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Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Wed Mar 08, 2017 5:25 pm

The ups and downs of what has been happening recently were definitely pretty brutal in their own way. It could leave one wondering just what was really going on, and why exactly. While Sharaku was far from knowledgeable in the area in regards to real life experience, he still had to wonder about some things. Frankly, he didn't really understand the demon on many levels. Sure, there were things that he sort of got, but it was mostly a case of understanding them for what they were on their own, and not so much when in connection to the other. For all intents and purposes, he wasn't even certain as to why was the guy so adamant on this relationship thing. After all, with how tough it was proving to be, what was it that really made the guy keep being interested in him? It wasn't like he offered much there, at least based on how things seemed to be going, and there were probably people with way more skill at handling all the stuff around that the guy could be picking from. He didn't quite get it. The demon was unhappy about making him 'suffer' so to speak, but was still wanting to keep going with it all nevertheless. It almost sounded like a hefty paradox there. Honestly, why could things not be simple for once...?

Regardless, that was far from being the only thing on his mind when he took the time to think about the matter. There was a lot that one could ponder about, and possibly endlessly, in all honesty. He had no answer that made perfect sense, and he likely wouldn't come up with one by just thinking about it. Sometimes he really didn't know what to do, seeing as no course of action was guaranteed to bring anything good to the table. Still, he liked keeping his sanity enough to pick the option of doing at least something about it before it fled somewhere far away. Good idea? Bad? Who knew, but it was technically a fairly safe option anyway. For many reasons. That said, he would make a pause from moving about momentarily to poke at his laptop, sending a message to the other. More or less just to test, honestly. He didn't know what the guy was currently doing, and despite the fact that it was currently a short while past 10 AM which meant that the demon was likely not sleeping anymore, there was still no saying whether his target was even home or paying attention to anything internet related at the moment. Well, he was in no real hurry he supposed....



Hey. Are you busy?
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Wed Mar 08, 2017 8:13 pm

A miserable time indeed. The date that had become a rollercoaster ride the day before had definitely taken a toil on the demon that was for sure. He didn’t eat or even stay up very long after getting back home. Instead he stayed up long enough to take care of Andromeda before he was crashing a little past 8 PM. His emotional state was in pieces and his head was killing him. The only thing he sought was rest and apparently he was so tired that he had somehow not really made it to the bed? He wasn’t quite sure what had happened when he woke up on the floor next to his bed rather than in it.

He had the covers and some pillows, but he had to wonder if he just like rolled out of the bed or had placed them there for some odd reason. He wasn’t quite sure and honestly after the initial confusion, he pushed the thought away as he remained on the floor staring up at his ceiling for a moment. He could still feel a lingering headache and his body ached probably from being on the floor. He was a bit calmer alright, but still felt a ping of guilt when he reflected on the previous events. He...honestly shouldn’t have done that and probably owed the guy a huge apology for the whole ordeal...after all he was sure it wasn’t easy for him…..

Sigh. The demon would raise his hands to his face and groan a bit as he rubbed his eyes. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be normal you know and react to things in a normal fashion rather than get wound up over details. He didn’t quite get why his mind worked the way it did or why he had to be so difficult. Like he wanted this relationship and all, but how was he ever going to do anything to move the relationship forward if he was like this. It made him wonder if perhaps he was wrong to even ask the guy out, but then again...if he waited until when he was “better” per se, the guy would probably be with someone else. Not that was really important, if the guy was happy that was cool, but still….despite the differences between them, the demon was genuinely attracted to the guy. From the moment, he met him he saw things in the guy that he liked and so when he asked him out, he genuinely wanted to know if it could actually work out. At the start it seemed possible, but now…?

Now he didn’t even want to think about what this meant and yet by trying not to do that, he would think on it. Had he fucked up too much or was it salvageable? He wondered, but had no answers for the questions his mind posed. With a real sigh this time, the demon would eventually get up to go through his morning ritual of getting ready for the day.

Sometime later, he would come out of his bathroom with a towel wrapped around him, but rather than find clothes he would just use the towel as a temporary cover as he drifted through his living room area and went into the kitchen. His stomache was still a mess so  he would get some tea to soothe it. Once he had the tea ready, he would drift to his chair and open up his netbook and after waiting for it to load, he would hear the familiar ping of the chat client and glance over, taking note that Sharaku was poking him.

The demon wouldn’t answer right away as for a split second he debated about just closing the book and not responding for the time being, but then realizing how rude that was and also cowardly, he would push down discomfort as he opened the window a bit bigger and then squinting read what was said.



I just sat down before the comp, but haven't started anything. So no. I am not busy. Sup?
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Wed Mar 08, 2017 8:40 pm



Nothing right now.

...well, I was trying to clean my table a while ago, but that's completely unrelated to this moment anyway.

Regardless, I wanted to ask you something....

What exactly is it that makes you interested in me? I mean, I know you said as much, but I kind of get mildly confused, since you seem to just get frustrated by how I act most of the time over anything else, and I think that would normally point towards the opposite of positive interest...

P.s Don't take this wrongly...I just really want to know because I would have thought that most people don't seek relationships that don't appear to be doing well right away.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Wed Mar 08, 2017 8:56 pm



Mmm. i have a chore or two to do myself. Will probably tackle that later.

As for what you asked....well....

It may seem strange, but since the first time I saw you, I liked what I saw. You're a good looking guy, but honestly that was just the bonus points. I targeted you because you were fiesty and didn't back down from my pokes. You rolled along and held your own pretty well back through the first set of madness. It was impressive and I thought it would be okay since last time we chatted here we were fine....However, what happened the other day.....Honestly, it wasn't suppose to end like that.

But it did, so I understand the questioning of the matter....Not exactly the best impression.

.....Also I am not....and even if I do it is not like you can see any reaction, so yay there...and i guess I not normal then. Despite my behavior and such I want to make this work....somehow....
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:15 pm



To be honest...the 'impression' in question is only partly the reason why I ask. It does indeed give more reason to question the matter at the moment, but I'm doing this for more than that.

While I haven't actually done any dating in the past, it's not to say that I haven't had people interested in me before. Most of them only really wanted me because of my looks, or they simply thought I seemed cool and mysterious enough for them to satisfyingly poke at. Safe to say, I'm not the biggest fan of shallow reasons for that, nor would I be interested in technically being someone's 'trophy' to show off.

So I suppose what I really mean to ask is...how do you actually feel about me? Because while me being impressive is nice to hear, that is really only a pretty specific trait, and as you said, it was the original driving point behind your choice. After what happened though, I'm more interested in knowing what you honestly think/feel now rather than just hearing some basic traits, because I doubt it's really all that goes through your mind even now.

Also, just because I cannot see your reaction, I wouldn't say it suddenly doesn't matter at all. If we want to truly work things out, I need to KNOW when I happen to upset you somehow so I can actually have the chance to maybe do something about it, otherwise we're just going to run into the same walls over and over on accident, and that would be very much the opposite of making things work in my opinion.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:44 pm



I can understand that. As for what you asked...Well.

To be honest, I am a bit uncertain when I look at the picture as a whole. Like you're a nice guy and have a very kind and patient personality that I admire and enjoy....and when we aren't at each other's throat I really like being around you. I still honestly like you. I really do, but i wonder if we can make it work. I mean I try to understand you, but...sometimes your ways are confusing or give me signals I later find were wrong. i guess the biggest feeling have outside of fear is confusion, so the feeling comes out unstable and unsure. I think....I am still trying to figure the strange tangle up. Not sure if it is good or bad though. And you? How do you feel about us knowing what I can become?


Well...I suppose when you put it like that....
Alright I'll try to be a bit more open about then.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Wed Mar 08, 2017 10:11 pm



=/

I...don't know. You come off rather different now than you did when we first met. I honestly can't tell what is going to come out of this. Right now...I think I'm mostly just worried that we'll only kill each other's initial interest at this pace. It's..kind of rough when I come to the conclusion that I can't comfortably be myself without constantly risking you will explode yourself all over me due to it....I don't want to hurt you, but accomplishing that at the expense of my own self is just equivalent to digging a different kind of grave instead.

As for me...well, I think that maybe you're interpreting the signs you speak of incorrectly to begin with? I can't be sure, but that's what it seems like. I guess I could try to explain, though I may need you to give me more concrete examples of what confuses you there. If I try to speak on it generally, it'll come out a mess.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:05 pm


Bloodybones reads and sighs.

...You see….I...You know what give me a moment to write this. It is gonna be a bit long.

*A few minutes later, the familiar bloop would sound on Sharaku's side.*


If I recall correctly, when we first met I was still separated between myself and the blonde, so naturally I came off as cocky and confident. I was in my own element back then. Comfortable. Though when the battle was over and I actually became one with that guy, the rush ended and in turn reality came crashing back in. I wasn’t exactly me so to speak. There was... is this added part me. A part that while not dominate did change me and brought up issues that I honestly never thought I would have, but I do….and while I did not expect to break or come off as this clingy whiny little bitch. It did happen, but I don’t want you to worry exactly….Like. *sigh* how do I explain? * Hang on...

*There is a slight pause before the demon types again*


Okay, like on the surface things look bad and that break back there was probably a red flag; however, I am not always like that or even when I do get upset it is not that extreme. All I can think is that in a moment of panic I did something really dumb that has caused grief on both our ends, but I am not going to wallow in it. I did fuck up that much I admit too, but...Don’t take that as a sign that you can’t say anything to me or that you have to change your ways to avoid stepping on my toes. I already know that stepping on toes is going to be thing due to the way we approach things, so...it is not a surprise. However, just because it is there it doesn’t mean you have to think of ways to avoid stepping on a mine. In fact….it kind of contradicts what you were asking me to do earlier. Trust.

I do get upset and I do lean heavier on the negative side of thoughts when it comes to situations even more when it all seems to fall apart; however, what I need you to do is not make that negativity the center of your focus. I know can’t ignore it and i am not saying to swallow it whole and accept it. No...I just need you to at least understand this: I am highly aware of my issues , thus I am getting help. This is not something that will go away any time soon and maybe not even ever, but if you give me time I am pretty sure will get better.  Until I do, know that my negativity as bad it seems on the surface, is not a sign of me wanting to give up or….toss in the towel. I am trying, it just takes me way longer to than the average person to get to an end result. I become that emotion at the moment it occurs, I can be explosive, but bear with it and give me a moment to actually pull back and recollect myself and you’ll find the flare up isn’t at you, but rather just the internal battle within. Unfortunately, I don’t have a poker face. I can’t hide it...and so if you stay you’ll have to deal with the emotional mess i can be in some shape or form. I don’t want to hurt you either and while it seems like I am throwing in the towel when I say this: You do have the option still to walk away. Because if you don’t I am going to assume you are in this for the long haul and willing to work with me despite the pain points here.

Which brings me to my next question: Why did you say yes? And do you regret it now since I am not what you signed up for? Be honest with me here...and don’t worry about hurting my feelings or whatever. I want to hear what you have to say good or bad...I think it is the only way we can really work this out.

As for what confuses me….I guess it may be the way I translate things. Like I understand that you are detached from a thing until you figure it out. I comprehend the words, but not the actions. I don’t understand how you can just let me kiss you like that and not care. For me anything past a hug or hand holding is going into a territory beyond just wanting to be friends. If I kiss you...French kiss you especially, it is because I honestly want you and I would suspect that the feeling wouldn’t be just one sided. Like for me a connection had to be there and yet with us I am not even sure. I can’t tell if you like me or not or find me as a nuisance that stress you out. I get you need to think about it, but it makes it that much harder for me to know for certain I am going in the right direction or not.

On that note, you ask me to be honest and trust. To be open. Now I will admit the outburst was bad form, but the fact I risked telling you that was because I was hoping that you could understand my concern. Probably if it was delivered better it may have gone better, but I am getting off track. In that moment, I let you see me as vulnerable and in my way was trusting you; however, that didn’t go to well and when I tried to take up your suggestion and be open about how I felt? Well you kept seeing what I was saying as being too wound up, when I honestly was trying to explain how I worked. The same applies to the hug situation. Like you told me before you were kind of nope to the business, so why say yes i asked you if I could demonstrate? Why do that when in the end it just made you uncomfortable?  I could sense that discomfort and since that what I was doing was one sided...so I got off you because I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, but then...you turn around and say I didn’t give you enough time to think. You see what I am getting at here? The confusion comes from what you tell me and then what you do contradicting each other. Like I hear the words and experience the action, but due to the way they are contradicting each other I have no idea what to do. On top of that….you being hard to read is another added factor because...being as I am. I need some sign that we are on the same page or you feel the same way. If not tell me or stop me before allowing me to go into territory that for me at least means a lot more than what it seems.

The demon would stop there to let the other read and absorb what he said. Maybe he still seemed like he was just being emotional, but honestly he was trying to explain….and if the other couldn’t get that he wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do. Honestly what other way could he say this? Well time to see what happens.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:35 pm

Well, such a blockade of text would take some time to read and process, that was for sure. The other would have to wait quite a while for his response this time around, since he was most likely just going to put it all together instead of sending it in parts. It was easier for him that way, and allowed him to complete his entire train of thought without the risk of being interrupted before he was done. Extra questions in the middle can be really distracting when you’re trying to make some point.



Well, that’s kind of it though. I didn’t really like the guy much, I’m sure you can tell that. And while you two aren’t exactly the same, the fact that you do act similarly at times does make it difficult to just pass over I guess. Regardless…the main reason why I feel the way I do about triggers is because I’m simply tired of constantly fighting with people. I get that enough with random people sometimes, and I don’t quite feel eager to do the same with you as well. I have no idea how much does it have to do with trust right there. I’m not really aiming to go against that, but it is exasperating to always land from one conflict/sudden problem to another when I opt to not step back in some way. And I don’t think I enjoy that in the long run, surprise or not. Though, I usually don’t actually go out of my way to not say anything. I just mean that it can get rather unpleasant at times.

Noire shakes head

I have no idea how to answer your question though. Why? I suppose I was curious in a sense, and it was definitely different from any other occasions when I had people after me. Regret? I cannot tell. The situation is stressful, yes, but whether any of that means I regret it, I honestly don’t know. I wish I could answer you, but I don’t think I can right now. Or maybe not even later.

I…guess that’s the whole problem there. If I understand correctly, you seek pretty linear emotional expression from me. Unlike you though, I find it impossible to do that sometimes. When it comes to kissing specifically, I will say that I would prefer to not do it for no deeper reason, but I can do so nevertheless. I don’t know. I think it’s just too easy for me to separate it. The action can be performed out of having feelings, but it’s also not necessary to have any and one can still enjoy doing it simply for what it is. I mean…thinking sometimes helps me with that, but I can tell you that I usually know no more than you when it comes down to it. Yes, feelings do exist, and it’s not like they’re never around, but I find that I can’t always tell what am I really feeling. To be honest, I probably get more confused than you do over it at times.

You act in accordance to what you feel, but I think my actions and what I feel are usually separate to an extent, even within one specific situation. It’s….well, you were saying about the hug matter, yes? It’s kind of complicated. While yes, I was uncomfortable in a sense, it does not have as much to do with you as it does with the fact that I can’t always tell what I want solely based on how I feel about it. Touching isn’t something I can approve/decline of based just on its objective worth or whatever, but trying to figure out how I feel about it can be equivalent to solving a 1000+ piece puzzle sometimes. I wanted you to try, because directly engaging in it is probably the only way for me to have a better chance at making sense of it. It isn’t that I didn’t want to do it at all, just that I don’t really know what to make of it right away. For all I know, maybe trying different kinds of touching would have worked eventually…but things backfire, because I can’t act according to how I feel until I actually understand the emotion in question.

I suppose I pull back and forth a lot when it comes to decisions that involve such matters. Don’t know what to do about it though. I know what you want, but I’m not certain I can guarantee you to not have to deal with vagueness and paradoxes a lot there. When it comes to this, I can’t know whether I feel the same way without taking the time to figure it out, which also means that stopping you before you potentially make a move for naught…well, it’s not always possible for me. I guess I’m just bad with any kind of feelings overload, which may be another reason why I can’t handle yours well either. I mean, I think I do understand when you speak on it, but I also have zero idea how to work with it…..
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:55 pm



=/

Hmmm...to be honest, I don’t actually want to fight with you either and while I unfortunately have some similar traits of the guy you disliked and have a personality type that may clash with yours badly….I think maybe we can work something out here. Though how well I can lay this out, well we are about to find out.

So you and I both agree that we don’t always want to fight. We also recognize that you and I are different, so when we clash we honestly just blow up not so much over subject matter, but rather the way we interpret/approach things right? And from what I get from every time we hit this area is that neither of us is going to change who were are to make the other happy, so I propose we maybe meet halfway in some fashion. I don’t expect this to go fast...in fact, I am will actually ask for this to play out at a slow pace until we are either on the same page or at least pretty sure about what we are doing as far as next steps go. I think moving too fast is what probably broke it on my end. Yes, I can move that way and I didn’t lie when I said I move at my partner’s pace; however, said partner and I are typically aligned when this happen. You and I? Well not sure what to call it, but align we are not. More like some odd twisted maze path or something. Anyway...

So like yes, I suppose we do expect something more linear. I will admit that even though you have told me multiple times that you need space to think, my mind has a tough time actually wrapping around that and to be honest it wasn’t until now that it like fully sunk in what you meant. At the time, I found the aspect quiet agitating cause I guess I couldn’t believe that you literally needed some time to figure it out. Perhaps there I am a bit impatient, but I can work on being more patient and not letting your initial impression affect me as much unless it needs to. I will admit this is hard for me and I will likely show discomfort, but….I’ll give it a whirl anyway and who knows it might work and become easier later.

As for the emotion vs thinking thing. Unfortunately, my emotions and thoughts are pretty heavily tied to the point where it can cause a different sort of problem: mainly stepping back. Just like it takes you a moment to try and figure the emotion out, it takes me a moment to actually step back enough to think on a more logical scale when upset. I would advise being careful with the words “chill out”. While I don’t mind a reminder or even a signal I am getting way too out of hand saying that too much actually irks me….because I’ve heard it too much in the past and back then it was a way to just shut me or brush me off. Not saying that is what you are doing, but still thought you should know. Regardless, if I try patience and give you space to think, will you try it also in a different form? Mainly giving me time to pull myself away from the emotion and not thinking that the first wave is the way it will be?

As for touching and disconnecting it from feelings….this is rather odd for us; however...I am open to trying to be a little more open there. Not gonna let you take advantage of me or bow just because, but rather I think we kind of need to know how to use touch and know what is okay and not okay in that department. I think we should explore and see where it goes. And while we may not be able to disconnect my feelings from actions, I will work on not overthinking and just going with the flow. Perhaps it will get us somewhere better.

As for your process versus mine. I think the only way we can work it out is by doing things and just dealing with the issues as they come. I am not sure if we can actually make some sort of plan to work it out though. For me i know I do better doing than just talking. I mean talk helps yes, but we think the doing part is probably the missing element here and probably the best way to learn. I dunno. I may just be rambling here….but does what I am saying even seem plausible? Help me out here.

Please.

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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Fri Mar 10, 2017 9:20 am



Hmmm

Well

I usually don’t think about the pace. I just move according to how the situation seems to be developing at a given time. If I try to give it too much thought, I’d end up doing nothing because what if this or that is too fast/slow? As a matter of fact, what is the difference between the two for you?

I think I’ve never really been about any sort of set/linear progress. I do what seems to work the best at a time, whether that means skipping over certain things, or going backwards instead. To be honest, if your goal is try to handle it well, the only real suggestion I can give you is to keep an open mind at all times, or as much as you can at least. I do often need extra time to think compared to what you would expect, but I don’t always go that route either. Overthinking can come to a dead end as well, and that doesn’t always work the way it should, so there probably are times when I attempt doing something without it. To be honest, I think no amount of explaining can actually explain a person in their entirety. It’s too complex, and focusing on one specific behavior sequence and then trying to adapt to that would leave you surprised/confused again once something else happens to come up that we did not include in the picture originally.

We can’t seem to work well without explanations though...Hmm. It kind of feels like we’re only going to end up doing this all the time however. I think that’s why I was originally trying to just suggest you to trust me in general. I could explain something in detail, and a week later I might not do it that way. You’re right that I don’t like the idea of changing myself because someone else says so, but I’m not necessarily set in place as is, so I could change because I decided to do that. Or some things may just depends on how the situation in question is affecting me. I’d assume your ways aren’t straight up just what you tell me either….I don’t know. We talk like this a lot, but from what I’ve noticed, at the end of the day, it’s just that. I don’t think it does us a lot of justice. Maybe you’re right and ‘doing’ is the better way, but I’m personally not sure how this is something we just ‘do’? It’s not something we can safely exercise, and a lot of it depends on what happens in the moment. There’s no way to control it. And if we so much as step one bit off the right road, it appears to start rolling downhill completely. We’re both too stubborn to listen properly once we’re doing our ‘thing’.


*short pause*

Regardless….

Just got a few extra questions for what you’ve said…

What do you mean by knowing how to use touch? I mean, it’s not like I have no idea what is for what…but I think it’s nearly impossible to determine what is okay and what isn’t. That can shift fluidly even over a short passage of time.

And just out of curiosity, but why is it that patience is so hard for you to do?


*another pause*

Also on second thought, but maybe we’re focusing too much on our differences and how to work them out? Of course, that is important in its own way I think, but maybe we would benefit from finding what we have in common and working from there? It would be much easier to decide how to ‘do’ some things if we had an idea how to do it without having to compromise one of us right off the bat.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Fri Mar 10, 2017 11:33 am

Rika would look at the screen, the little icon at the bottom telling him that the other was working on responding back, so in that time frame, he got up as Andromeda hopped on the table and came over to greet him with a soft mew. Moving the net book out of the way the demon would lower his head enough where the cat could easily give him a gentle headbutt and love. After that moment, he’d pet her for a bit before getting up to feed her and of course go find clothes. Not really wanting to deal with pants and such, he’d dig through his drawers until he found a gown and just slip that on instead. After getting dressed and opening the blinds to let light in, the demon would return to his netbook a few minutes after the familiar bloop had sounded. Reading what was there. He would pause to think a bit before typing.





What I mean when I speak of pacing is that I am adaptable to who I am with. I don’t literally focus on pacing because as you stated there is no clear determination of fast or slow. As for me, I guess it is not a matter of how fast/slow something is moving, but rather how comfortable both sides are with doing things. For example, I can do kissing and hugging without being overly attached or overthinking it; however, if you were say trying to move it to something more intimiate, then depending on how comfortable I am I may go with the flow or I may resist. Honestly, it is an complicated mixture of time and knowledge that determines these things...So I really don’t know how to explain it much more than that or even if I can. It is one of those cases, when it is kind of like just knowing is okay to do blah blah. If that makes any sense.


*Pause a bit and scratches ear*


Hmmm...Well… you have just hit the nail on the head with one word. Overthinking, but I also think perhaps over-explaining. I mean I don’t mind conversations about this and that, but i think the more we do this explaining thing the more we get tangled up. I am not saying stop the explaining. Heaven forbid that, but I think we need to ton it down a bit and like use it to get tackle problems or to clear up confusion. You are right when you say we cannot fully explain ourselves. Just like we cannot exactly be linear in what we do. We are too different for that.

As for the doing part, now that I think on it, I don’t think we can plan it as much as I thought. We can’t set up things and make them safe because in the end the results would be untrue….I suppose the only thing we can do is as you suggest. Just trust one another and don’t get into the overthinking or anyalzing when stuff is happening. I think the best way to do this, is to just continue to interact with each other, but just be more aware of how we think so if something does happen the blow out isn’t bad. Yes, I know we don’t know each other well, but that is kind of the point of this. We have to let things happen and as long as they don’t get too bad and doesn’t drive us apart we should survive and perhaps over time we can grow and get used to each other that it is second nature.

As for your question...that is hard to explain since there are so many meanings of touch for me. I like being close to people, but the reason I do said touching depends on what is going on. For example if we were sitting on a couch and for watching tv and I decided to come over to you and snuggle into ya while we are watching said tv, it is my way of showing affection towards you; however, if you are like nope don’t do that then I need to know so I won’t end up being hurt or feeling like an ass for making you uncomfortable. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to know where my lines are in the touch and cuddly department. If we are going to work this out that is kind of something you’d deal with. On that note, I know you stress alot on me telling you how I feel, but I kind of need you to do the same. Even more so because I cannot read you like a normal person. I don’t want to restart translating wrong due to assumptions and all.

As for patience. Patience isn’t really the issue, but rather adapting to a different way of thinking. I can be demanding for immediate response when it comes to emotional things because...that is what I have dealt with in the past. I can’t rely on that any more, so it’s like relearning again is all. It is just gonna take a bit to adjust is all I meant. And I am willing to learn, but it can’t just be me in that boat. This will not work if everything is all about just me fixing my stuff and doing the work. Not saying you won’t do the work, but you get what I mean yes?


*A small pause occurs as the demon thinks on this one.*



I think we are thinking too much on this in general and trying to explain too much instead of letting this thing play out naturally. Hmmm...Tell you what. Let’s try this.

How about you come over and spend the night with me? And during this whole thing we just well be together. Don’t over think or anything just let it happen and adapt. Kind of like the silence game in the forest, but just now with talking added. The purpose is just to learn and discover more about each other and perhaps find what we like also. I mean we could talk here too, but I dunno how far that will go….
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:21 pm



I can’t really give you lines. That would be like creating a box that isn’t truly there. My reaction to you trying to cuddle would depend on my mood that day, and any other little variables that could affect it all. One day I might want it, and another I would rather you stay away from me. Therefore the only way would be you stopping to ask for permission each and every time, but I personally think that kills the mood in its own way. There’s…something about the idea of needing to always make sure that makes it feel rather gritty, and unnatural in a sense.

Really though, I don’t think you need to feel like an ass just because someone didn’t enjoy something you did? You can’t always know beforehand, and if you did not cause them distress on purpose, then you aren’t being an actual ass. It would only be a coincidence that it didn’t work out that one time. If I wanted to play that game, I’d insist that you are to never do anything wrong otherwise I will get mad, but I think that would be pretty stupid. As long as it isn’t a purposeful attempt at souring my day, then it’s really just an experience one needs to swallow. We can’t always be right, as much as I would love that. It would make things way easier if we could always know what and how before we tried it….

Anyway….

…..

Well, the feelings part might be a problem. Even if I put aside the fact that I’m not always certain about how I feel at the moment (and thus may create a mess by simply giving you something on spot to satisfy you which later turns out to not be as truthful as it should have been)…I’m just bad at that. I mean, you yourself stress a lot about not wanting to make me uncomfortable and all that, but having to talk about my feelings a lot can…do just that? Or just various different levels of stress/pressure, depending on how it occurs. It feels like we’re going in circles here, because some things we want also contradict something else we want to accomplish. Can’t seem to do all of it equally…

Regardless, I can try to do what I can, but it appears that the ‘work’ we need to do is vague and fluid nevertheless, thus there’s no guarantee how well we can make our fixings equal enough. Though maybe it really just is a case of thinking too much about the technicalities of this all.

Erm well, I guess? Whether it’s going to be what you want it to be though, I have no idea. Do you have something interesting we can do over at your place? I feel like we end up not learning anything when our ‘to do’ ends up too vague, since neither of us appears to excel at coming up with exciting activities out of the blue.

As for talking, I’m neutral. I mean, you can try asking me about more stuff now if you want to. I don’t think it hurts as long as we don’t try to pick at things way too deeply.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:07 am



Well if that is the case, then I will just have to work on letting go of things, doing my best not worry over everything, and fully trusting you. You’re gonna have to forgive me if I flail a bit here and there in this department. While the past is one thing, I am not comparing you to what happened, but even so I have other hang ups that might make this a bit...troublesome at times; however, I’ll do what I can to keep it under control tho for both of our sakes.

*scraches head a bit.* Mmm. Well...when I speak of these errors and how I feel, I suppose it all boils down to the way I think which looks like insanity to the normal person I would think. Like I understand what you are saying and perhaps if my brain functioned normally it would just be a small ping of guilt, but then you know, you pick yourself up, learn and move on. However, my brain works differently. If I make an error, I do feel the natural ping of guilt, but instead of letting it go my mind starts to worry about this and that, so I try to counter it with logic kind of arguing with myself in a way. Then that makes me stress which makes me mad and cause self critic to activate and so and so on. It’s like giving a piece of machinery a small jolt that shouldn’t harm it, but thanks to some screw up in the way its parts work that small jolt cause more chause than one would think….It is dumb….really dumb. And while at first, I thought it was combining with the blonde that did this. The more I reflect on this the more I wonder if maybe I had this problem before and just somehow handled it better and then this whole breaking and what not shenigain was just the last push needed to unleash the flood. Hmmm…I will figure it out in time I guess.

My point is it just takes me a whole lot longer to just realize the simple truth. You can tell me all day to chill the fuck out, but that doesn’t change the fact that I just instantly won’t. Thus why I was asking for your patience in all this earlier.

As for that feeling part...well I guess there is not much to there since we are so different in that department. So since talking won’t resolve it. How about we agree to let things occur and when it seems really bad, perhaps not jump the gun or assume the worse of the other. Like give each of us our time needed to either think on it or recover from an emotion. I am not sure how long it takes you to settle on a firm answer with your emotion or things, but I will try not to pry and get frustrated due to not getting a direct answer. I’ll just have to trust you to let me know what’s up when you are ready. In turn, you’re gonna have to trust me to do the same and not always try and logic it or find a solution to what a problem that may just be a matter of giving me a moment to calm down. Does that sound fair?

Probably. Regardless, if you are willing to try and meet me half way, then I believe that even if it is vague and fluid things will work themselves out if we are meant to be or rather meant to get along.

As for the sleepover and interesting things. I have no idea there. I mean I have tv, game consoles and a few games, music, and a harp. Oh I also have a cat, but I am not sure if she want to keep you entertained. So yeah...outside of inside things, I am not sure what form of activities would keep you entertained. What do you like to do? Last time you said impress you and left it vague so….
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 8:48 am





See. This.

I honestly have no idea what to say. I think that’s why I’m bad at comfort or anything that doesn’t involve an actual solution. I feel dumb if someone tells me things like that and I don’t respond in any way, but I also don’t know what to even say when I’m not supposed to try and do something about it. If I won’t talk, then the person could honestly just say it all to a mirror and get the same result, so in that regard, it makes me useless? : T

I think in my case it isn’t that I can’t trust you…It just feels wrong to not do anything when all these things are being piled on top of me. I get confused about what the person wants from me, because if they just want to complain for a while, they could go yell somewhere at a tree instead of a person who will feel some way about it? I don’t know, honestly…


Noire shakes head

Anyway…I can’t really say. It’s tough. I don’t tend to get excited about an activity simply because of what it is. It kind of depends on how it goes once I’m doing it. Even if I claim I love doing something, it could end up boring me big time in case it just happens to not go all that well. I guess that’s why I prefer to not ask people for specific stuff. I just hope whatever they choose will work out somehow. That, and I don’t want people to zero in on something simply to please me, regardless of whether they themselves even like it.

…maybe we can just try whatever comes up and see what does its job the best? I have no idea there.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 11:58 am



Dude...Don’t take this the wrong way and don’t take this as me flipping out but this is the only way I can express what I am feeling right now in regards to this feeling matter.





Like I can’t even find a logical solution to that and in turn am just not going to even to try to. See you’re gonna do your own thing and I am going to do mine, so if you have to talk and try to find a solution you are welcome to do so because hey you never know we might actually find a solution for some things. Just know that even if you do try I am going to react and not always in the best of ways as I process it all. And also know that try as you might...sometimes there is no real solution to the matter at times, k? ^^;;

As for your confusion point, I can’t say this well help, but I can tell you what I expect out of you. I just want you to listen. Yes, I could go to a tree or wall and hash it out, but….in the end that doesn’t work because it is like being in echo box. You’re just surrounded by your own voice and thoughts with no clear way out. At least with a person a path can be found out of it. Even if there is no solution at the end at least a person has the ability to tell you things and for me at least, either make me realize things I never would’ve otherwise or backed me up completely and make me consider other aspects my tunnel like vision at times can miss. So that is why...I said it is okay to talk. I am not telling you to shut up and just hold me….cause that is just as effective as a tree or even worse. It helps alleviate the pain in a physical dimension, but it does nothing to help upstairs if that makes any sense.

[b]Bloodybones reads the next part and just buries self in a hole.

Lol, guy. Just wow. Welp so much for figuring out common ground by asking. Welp, welp, welp.
Anyway, sure I am down for just letting it go where it will go at this point since there doesn’t seem much else to do about.

I am not complaining by the way just find this whole matter in general amusing and confusing as fuck so forgive my laughing and crying session back here. : P
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 12:52 pm





…..

……..

=/

I’m not trying to say that I have to…just….

.-.

Anyway, knowing is great and all…but I guess in the end that alone solves nothing for everyone. I mean, wonderful, but that won’t change the fact that getting figuratively bitten because that’s simply how you react can hurt. I may not be as expressive as you by base, but I still have feelings, and living constantly on the edge of some negativity is not the most pleasant experience for anyone I think.

Sigh.

I kind of wish I could feel amused right now but

@&#×.x

You know what

Brb for a bit
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 1:05 pm

One minute the demon was kind of just shaking his head at the matter and wondering how, they were ever going to work things out if all he had to go by was "I dunno" and vagueness when the other had asked to not be vague....and the next minute he was kind of staring at the screen a bit baffled and concerned about what happened.

He wanted to say something in response to the small blurb he did see, but instead found himself feeling a more than a little distressed. So when he typed it came out something like this.



I...You....

Damn it...

Look...if I step on your toes with that I am sorry. i wasn't trying to disregard your feelings or even make fun of the situation when I said what I said. I just honestly don't know what to do when I am asked not to be vague, but then am told to be vague and go with the flow....but perhaps that is exactly what I am doing by babbling still.

Alright time out then....

And with that he stopped typing and literally walked away from the computer wondering what the hell he did wrong now. Was he just that bad at reading everything whether text or not when it came to the guy...or was he just worrying about things unnecesarily again. He didn't know and the more he tried to figure it out the more he felt the stress building up again.

With a sigh, he would sit on the floor before stretching out and resting on his belly. He would rest his head on his arms and just let out a low sigh/groan. Rest in piece timing or things getting simpler.

Lord have mercy.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 1:29 pm

Well, the other would be left to himself for approximately 10-15 minutes after that….but there would be a response eventually.



….

Noire coughS

its not just wht you said thelast time…

*what


Noire squiints

Anyway, i’m not asking for vague in th sense you interpret it. I’M good with specfic activities..just cant tell what will work the best ahead o time, so Id rather try a few instead of commmiting to something too early

*th-



Too many erors, meh
sorry, cant see rn

Well, it would seem that his writing was shot, if nothing else.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 1:46 pm

Well 10-15 minutes was enough time for the demon worry for a short period and then in the silence that followed actually began to doze off the emotional high ending as he continued to lay there. in fact, the demon didn't realize he had actually been dozing until the bloop from the the computer startled him awake...and in turn startled the cat that had decided to use his back as a resting spot.

Blinking a bit he would get up and wander over to the computer, rubbing his eyes. What he saw there though made him squint a bit as he read what he was there. ...Ok. Time to type back.



Well that is good to know and I suppose I can work with that.

…..Though I am curious. Why can you not see? And what happened to your near perfect writing? Did you like hit your head or something? Or….are you tipsy or drunk?

Well the guy could be having a bad day with his typing skills, but if there was one thing Rika had observed from the time he was with the other on chat was that the guy wrote and spelled things correctly most of the time with very little error if any, while himself was Queen (yes that is right he is a Queen. Deal with it.) of Errors both spelling wise and grammatically. It is not that he was a bad writer or anything, but rather he didn’t pause to read before hitting error leaving some things in there that he either didn’t catch or fixed if he did catch it. So the fact that he was writing in a fashion of capitalizing and more less clear English right now and the other wasn’t was a bit suspicious. Besides what the hell did the other do that he couldn’t see right now? Such curiosity, but would it be answered?
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 2:17 pm



Thatis good I guesss..

Blurry sight what hapened is me nt seeing my keybord well, and as much a i can type blnd a bit, is not perfect. in fact, sreen is blurs too, so sorry if I take tme to respond because it takes soome effort to read

is it evn possible to get drunkthis fast.?

He did seem to be typing a bit slower indeed, but things seemed cool enough outside of that? Well, maybe. The other probably wouldn't know unless he asked further.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 5:12 pm



Well drunkeness can occur rather quickly if you have low tolerance for the stuff, but if you ain’t drunk...then what were doing in that away time to get your eyes like that?

Staring at something?

...Crying?

Seriously what was up if the guy's eyes were this messed up. what did he do and was it because of what he said that did it? Honestly....sure the guy said it wasn't just what he said, but still what was it then? Even if it was just text, he was still concerned about the man on the other end.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 5:23 pm



i have no idea why the fck would I be drinking when trying to hae a real conversation with someone though. Thats just literally like trolling someone and very rude Id say. I'd not take someone who tried doin that seriously, t be honest.

Welll, if you had to pick one, what would you really think i am doing? tHough yes, one of your guesses is correct.

Well, at least he wasn't noping the talk. It would seem that his writing was a little bit better and with somewhat less errors than before though, so perhaps he was getting used to typing like that by now.
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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Rika on Sat Mar 11, 2017 5:51 pm



Well some people do drink not necessarily to get drunk per se to calm down a bit to talk things over....However, I don't want to talk about that.

I want to talk about you.

.....Why were you crying?

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Re: Text.exe loading....

Post by Sharaku on Sat Mar 11, 2017 6:02 pm



I think i'd just be more of an idiot after drinking. Alcohol can be dangerous as a 'calm down' toool.

...

The questoon is whether I want to talk about me

...because.

It's hard to say. My reaction can have delay at times. Maybe its just everything that has happened since we met deciding to be annoying now. Or something.

I mean, why do you cry when you do? it's probably not all that different.
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