Search
 
 

Display results as :
 


Rechercher Advanced Search

Keywords

Latest topics
» As Bright As The Snow
Today at 6:38 am by Sharaku

» HTML Template Field
Sun Feb 18, 2018 12:34 pm by Sharaku

» Along the Trail They Went
Thu Feb 15, 2018 6:33 pm by Rika

» Sick Times Are Not Fun
Wed Jan 24, 2018 5:49 pm by Rika

» Rika's Backstory and Some General Data About the Guy
Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:45 am by Rika

» Therapy Session #1: The Naming of Demons
Tue Jan 02, 2018 7:22 pm by Rika

» Rhys W.I.P.
Sun Dec 31, 2017 7:21 pm by Sharaku

» Depression and A Bottle of Wine
Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:00 pm by Rika

» After Work Chat
Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:08 pm by Rika

February 2018
MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728    

Calendar Calendar

Top posting users this week
Rika
 
Sharaku
 


Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Page 2 of 3 Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:26 pm

Well frankly, he would be dead 100 times over if he had to deal with such an environment. For him, even 2+ people was more than enough to handle. Could he? Yes. Did he want to? More than likely not. Plus, it drained his energy and mood pretty fast to be dealing with too much attention...

In any case, he would wait out for a bit, but seeing as he got no response, he would opt to just get in by himself. He could have kept trying, but it would have been a waste of time if the other never came to open the door. Once in, he would pause for a moment to hang his jacket and all that necessary stuff before walking deeper in to search for his target. "Hey, are you home?" He didn't think the guy would just wander somewhere out if the situation was the way it was...riiight?
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Sat Dec 02, 2017 7:46 pm

Rika would continue to sleep kind of stirring when he thought he heard the door open and someone moving about. A bit disoriented, he'd sit up sleepily listening until a voice called out. And that voice is what woke him up fully. Blinking a bit, he'd force his sore body out of the chair and move back towards the door that led inside, moving back the screen that blocked out bugs, the demon would step inside pausing in the door as he took notice of the person in his home.

"Sharaku...?" he would begin clearly confused by the guy's appearance here. "Is something wrong? Why are you here?" He wasn't mad about the visit. Just a bit concerned considering despite having gave the guy a key to his apartment this was the first time the guy used it or paid him a surprise visit.

Useless Note:
Rika is currently dressed in a pair of comfortable yet loose pants the color of jeans and a white button shirt that is untucked. The bottom buttons are undone a bit revealing a bit of his belly and his top buttons are undone leaving space to show off the diamond pendant he was given, but today a pendant has been added onto the choker with it. The guy is in his regular form (black hair,
fox ears and tails, horns, and wings). He appears dishevelled and sleepy. A change from his usual neat appearance and typically happy behavior.
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:11 pm

Yeah, he hadn't expected the other to be outside in any form, so the balcony would have been the last place to check likely. It seemed the other solved the problem for him though, actually coming around this time. He would stare at the guy, a slight frown on his face after the question as he debated how to answer. Well...there were only two options..lie and make something up instead, or tell the truth. Considering the matter, he came to the conclusion that the truth was more effective, regardless of the reaction it would cause. He did come here for a reason after all.

He would scratch the back of his head slightly. "The reason is you. Your boss kindly called me because she was worried about your well-being. So now I'm here. Enlighten me about what's going on?" Not the most subtle, but well...he had to bring it up somehow. He doubted the other would make a peep by himself unless he literally called him out on it.
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:23 pm

The demon stayed where he was for a moment watching the other's reaction to the question and when he got the answer, he would frown a bit as he looked off to the side. "She called you because she was worried about me..." the demon bit his lip a bit at that one. He wasn't trying to worry her, but then again he supposed it wasn't a surprise, but still. He never expected her to do this. On top of that...

He would look back at Sharaku, the exhaustion in his eyes clear, but despite that he kept standing for now. "And you came...." he wasn't sure how he felt about that one. On one hand he was glad and on the other feeling really bad right now. He didn't want this. He could handle it alone. He always had and yet at the question, the demon would hesitate. At first he thought about smiling and telling the other he had just gotten a cold or something. He could do that and then maybe the guy would leave, but....he didn't want that. He didn't want to be alone anymore. Didn't want to fight this alone, but to share this...?

The demon looked down a bit as he fidget with his fingers for a bit thinking before finally sighing and giving up. He...might as well be honest huh? With a sigh, he would drift further in moving towards the sofa. "I just....am having a shitty few days." The demon would plop on the sofa his exhaustion apparent as he leaned back and closed his eyes for a moment. In time he would reopen his eyes and turn his head towards the other. "Come here," he would say patting the seat next to him. He suppose since the guy made an effort to come over here, he couldn't kick him out could he?
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:46 pm

Brushing away a few strands of hair from his face, he would sigh lightly. "Well, it's not like there's anything else I could have done..." Unless he were to ignore the situation altogether. Sure, he could have tried to be simple and just call the guy over the phone or whatnot, but to be frank, he didn't really trust the demon to not lie to him and just make it sound like everything was fine. Either that, or make it at least seem a lot better than it truly was. The only way to be able to confirm the real truth was to check on it directly. He wasn't letting himself get tricked for no reason.

Speaking of which, good idea that the other chose not to try covering it up, as he knew enough to not fall for that, and it wouldn't be the best start if they were to get into an argument over that sort of stuff. He would frown slightly as he stood there with his arms left hanging by his sides, not really sure how should he react towards this. It wasn't necessarily awkward, but he didn't want to come off the wrong way and stupid body language was very good at doing exactly that. Not on purpose, but still. "I've already been given a basic rundown on what was going on...so, I'm aware of that, yes." Though he doubted it was as simple as a few shitty days. It didn't seem like it.

He would ponder how to approach it further for a brief moment, his concentration soon broken by the other asking him to come over. Hm. For a split second, it looked like he wanted to say something, but then he'd simply move instead, sitting down beside the other shifting a bit to put his hand over the other's. He wished starting a conversation about this was easy.
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Sun Dec 03, 2017 6:59 pm

The demon would watch him with a tired gaze as he smiled weakly. "You could've not come and saved yourself from being around this rain cloud." There were other options after all. The demon would shift a bit in his spot as the smile faded as he spoke his next words, this time not looking at the other. "I hope I didn't draw you away from anything though." The last thing he wanted was for the guy to have been doing something enjoyable and then stopping it just come over here. If he had done something like that....? The demon pushed that thought away before it got too far.

That aside, it seemed that honesty was at least not getting them into a argument, so that was a plus. Though even with that stressor being there, the demon still did not feel any better as he heard the words of the other. "Is that so...." he would say in flat tones as he looked away from the other and shook his head a bit. A basic run down. Heh....that probably didn't even scratch the tip of the iceberg there. The demon would roll in that dark hole for a bit, but would be slightly drawn out of it as the other did come and sit by him and...actually reached out and touch his hand. At first the demon just stared at the hand for a second and then after a moment he would shift his hand under the other's so it was easier to slide his fingers between the other's. He would sigh a bit not sure what to say or think. This was honestly tearing him apart for the guy to see him like this. To have the guy dealing with his shit again, but here they were. He suppose all they could do is deal with it now. How he wasn't sure though and his mind was helping none as it continued to be in dark places. Such a shitty place to be in.
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Sun Dec 03, 2017 7:28 pm

He would make a brief :T face at that answer before shaking his head. "If the solution to it is for me to not care, then I would have to question why we bother to be together to begin with. I didn't come here because I wanted or expected rainbows. And I think that if someone is willing to only be by one's side when it's fun, they're a rather shallow person." It doesn't make for nice implications, that's for sure. Avoidance during bad times only shows you aren't invested enough in the relationship to brave through dark waters for it. As for the draw away part..."Well...I was trying to do work, but it's not like it needs to be done today, so no matter, really.", he would shrug slightly. All that mattered was that he met the deadline, and that would be no problem.

More half-frown faces would occur as the other responded without expanding on the matter at all, and he would furrow his brows slightly as he noted what was happening, holding the other's hand for now. "Soooo....are you going to talk yourself or will I have to pull teeth?"
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:35 pm

The demon would consider that for a quietly, his crimson color eyes studying the other. After a few moments, he would look away with a light sigh. "Maybe, but I often wonder..." He would trail off shaking his head at that thought. He wanted to say more, but honestly it was kind of hard to. To express what he was thinking out loud to another...even when it was something he hadn't even expressed to a proffessional? He couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair. Right?

He would frown at that one as he looked up at the ceiling conflicted the feeling of distress only deepening with the other's words. "I'm sorry..." was all he could manage to say in a whisper. The guilt too much for him. This guy should not be here with him. He had other things to do, so he should let him go...and yet he didn't want to - something that was emphasized by the way he held the other's hand. It was gentle yet firm grip, but not super steady. It was like he was resisting the urge to hold on tighter as he fought mentally with himself in the silence. And when the other spoke?

The demon would scoff lightly as he shook his head. "What is there to say outside of the fact that I am pain in the ass for everyone and just dead weight in the world?" He would glance over at the other with a smile that held no humor at all. It was a forced smile that seeped with bitterness and self loathing, but this...this mess was just how he was....and there was no use hiding it now. In any case, he would only watch the other for a few seconds before looking away that smiling vanishing as he closed his eyes for a moment thinking how much he hated being seen like this, but at the same time....perhaps it was time someone saw this side of him after all. He wasn't sure anymore and the more he thought about the negative consequences of this the more he began to feel a bit sick on the inside. Why...why was he like this?
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Mon Dec 04, 2017 6:02 pm

He would raise an eyebrow at that one. "Wonder what?" Well, he couldn't make heads or tails of the situation without receiving a clear answer. It was no use trying to approach the matter without having at least an idea. Talking to the air just through assumptions could easily accidentally push trigger buttons due to not knowing, and that would be a bad outcome to achieve right off the bat.

In any case, he would shake his head at the apology given. "There's no need to be sorry. Like I said, it's no matter. I've got plenty time left to finish things." It's not like he had abandoned a project just before its due date to come. And even if he had done such a thing, it would have been his own choice and thus there should be no need for the other to apologize. If anything, he would only have himself to blame for having done so.

When the other started the self hate talk a moment later though, he would purse his lips slightly, moving his hand away and putting it around the demon's shoulders instead. Well, as far as he could reach with them sitting side by side that is. "Is that truly what you believe? Are you going to ignore everything good you've ever done and everything you've striven for so far just so you can sit yourself in a shithole instead?", he would question, giving the other an inquiring look.
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:49 pm

The demon would shift uncomfortably in his spot at the question as he winced a bit. This was hard, but he forced his mouth open and managed to say something in response. "...Since we've met...I've been thinking....am I worth the trouble? I mean...I've given you nothing, but headaches and I just feel that I am hurting you more than I should...with well being me. I often think, that you're such a good guy and deserve better than me...I wonder...sometimes if you'd leave and then kick myself for thinking it later...." he stop himself shaking his head as a sad smile came to his face. "Sorry rambling again..." he would mutter unsure how or where he was going with that one. He meant to answer the question simply, but that trash came out instead. Typical. He could never do anything right....even the simplest of things.

The thought made him sigh inwardly as he feel silent giving only a small hum of acknowledgement to the apology bit. He had nothing good to add onto that, even less so because he still felt responsible and guilty for dragging the guy away from his work. Why...why did Merek call and disrupt this guy's day? He didn't get it and half of him hated him for it....only to turn around and fully hate himself for getting mad with her. She was worried...he understood that and yet here he was being ungrateful to both of them. Tch!

The demon would frown at his thoughts not saying anything until the whole self hate thing came up. He would fill the other's hand slid from his and as the other placed his arm around his shoulders? Well at first he wouldn't move sitting there tensely for a bit as he heard what he the other said.  He would bite his lip as he fidgeted with his own hands in a rather rough manner as he thought.

"What I've striven for...I wonder what that is when I keep falling back in this same hellhole over and over again," he would ask, his tone bitter and angry. "...You ask what I truly believe. And to be honest, I am not sure anymore. I just know I really hate being this way and just want to stop." The demon would say before pausing to actually move not away from the other, but rather onto the other. Or at least he'd try to.

If he was successful, the other would find the demon had straddle him and was now leaning against him as if he was a pillow. His head would rest lightly against his shoulder and his hands would remain for now to either side of the other.....
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:31 pm

....he would just blink at that, silent for a bit as he processed the info before snorting faintly. "To be real....I'm kind of a master at practicing apathy, so I can't say I'm really hurt. Or maybe I'm just too far gone for that.", he would shrug nonchalantly. "Seriously though, it's not like you're some really annoying bitch like that ex-girlfriend of yours...and everyone in the world has some flaws anyway. You're being too hard on yourself. There's always an unpleasant thing to find if you make it your sole goal to sniff for issues, but really, nobody can attain perfection, so what's it matter in the end?" Oop, now he was the one running his mouth. Then again, he had to say something, and being honest was just easier than spending ages picking out what seemed like the best thing to say. "Also, if I had a problem with you talking, I wouldn't have asked questions to begin with." That's a little counterproductive, isn't it?

At any rate, he wouldn't prod in regards to the apology subject for now, letting that one pass, seeing as there was bigger fish to fry very soon after. Before he could try to formulate a reply to what the other said, he would be momentarily distracted by the weight landing on him. "Mmmm?", he would make a slight sound, shifting his own weight a bit to make the position more comfortable before moving his arms to hug the other loosely around the waist. For now, he didn't seem to be complaining about this. "I'd...call it, being willing to accept the flaws of life? Plenty of us suffer, but if the right response to problems was to just give in, we'd be extinct pretty soon. I'd wager so, at least. Fight for the good times? It's better than focusing on the bad moments." Or something like that. He was sort of losing his train of thought there...
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Tue Dec 05, 2017 6:56 pm

"...You say that and yet some part of me doubts it. I mean can you honestly say I am not stressor to you?" Wasn't being a stressor a bad thing and not productive to a relationship? As for that second part. "Well...I can't argue there, but even so. It matters cause this...state I am in or whatever you want to call it...It can't be normal. Even by flaw standards, it cannot be normal...How can becoming this ball of stress and misery that breaks and fixes itself over and over again with no end normal? It's insanity right?" He would look over at the other distressed searching for an answer, clarity, anything, but....knowing he would probably not get it. After a moment of staring, he would sigh a bit and look away unable to keep the other's gaze. When the other commented on his rambling compliment, the demon would shrug a bit uncomfortably at that. "I guess...." Was all he managed to get out before he sunk into thoughts of how he probably looked rather pathetic to the other right now. This behavior was probably enforced the idea of being skeptical of being confident in the demon, his words, or actions....anything about him. He really was worthless dead weight wasn't he? It just wasn't right for him to do this and yet....

Yet his heart seem to have other things planned. His mind beated him down, but some part of him was happy to not be alone and it was this part that caused him to move and climb onto the other. When the other didn't reject him and only shifted to get more comfortable, the demon felt a small bit of relief. And when he embraced him?

The demon would close his eyes as his hands moved a bit to rest naturally against the other's chest as he simply rested too exhausted for now to even move again. He hoped the other didn't mind it too much though and just allowed him to stay there even if it was for a little bit. He just....needed the contact. To be held. He wasn't sure why this was a thing with him, but it just was.

As for what he heard, the demon's tail would shift slightly as the tip patted the sofa a bit as the demon spoke. "What if...you've already fought the battles for so long that you are running out of energy to fight anymore for yourself or the good times? What happens when you run out of fight?" The delivery of the words were tired and drained.
Well losing train of thoughts or not, it seemed that one hit home for the demon or something. At least he wasn't running from the subject or flipping out terribly over what was being said.
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:25 pm

He would shrug vaguely. "I mean...anything and everything can happen to cause stress. If a person keeps accidentally hitting their head on a low shelf and it makes them angry, should it start to have an existential crisis because 'OMG, I'm stressing this human?'. I just don't think it makes sense. Everyone makes mistakes at times, whether on purpose or not. That shouldn't be a cue to get super depressed though.", he would sigh slightly, shaking his head. "The only advice I can honestly give you is to stop focusing on what you think is normal and what isn't and crying about it. If it truly bothers you so much, then you should work hard on changing your mindset instead of wallowing in self-pity continuously and hiding from the world. Rude or not, I don't believe getting depressed about being depressed is going to really spit out an answer for you. You're only magnifying everything further." Even if you can't do much while you're not doing well, you've got plenty time to search for solutions actively when you're in the state to be able to. Running away and letting it float...well, of course it's going to drive you insane over and over once it comes. You're basically sitting there and letting it know it's free to come and control you whenever it wishes to.

Regardless, he would fall into a momentary silence after that, letting the random hugging happen with a faint hum. "Look for a different way then. After all, the only one you're really fighting here is yourself. If war is not the right way for you, then maybe you should look for a way to make peace with yourself. Find out why are you inclined to think this way, and turn it around. It's only over when you let yourself give up. If you've lasted as long as this, there must be something that drives you forward. Focus on that." He wasn't the sweetest with his pep talk, but this was really the best he could do. He was honestly much better at trying to motivate or rally people up than speaking words of comfort. Then again, momentary relief didn't make problems go away, so would constant sweettalk even have any purpose?
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Tue Dec 05, 2017 8:58 pm

"Sharaku..." the demon would begin seeming at first to become a bit agitated at the matter, but then sighing he would shake his head slightly. "I understand what you are saying, but me and a shelf are very different. Like it isn't just you I worry about doing this to. It is pretty much anyone I come in contact with and form a bond with. I just feel that for a while it is great, but then after a while I become just a burden that folks smile and pretend to deal with. I don't even have to anything wrong. I just have...to exist apparently." it was hard explaining the way his mind was in a way someone could understand. He wasn't sure if anyone could understand him unless they went through something similar. It was really frustrating to be honest and well...so was the next topic.

To what he heard the demon would growl a bit at that one as he looked off to the side with a displeased frown. "You think I don't know that? Don't think I've heard that a thousand times from various sources? It bothers the hell out of me cause no matter how much I try to do exactly that, I just fall right back down. I don't really know how the hell I am suppose to stop it if everything thus far fails," he would responded grumpily. Everywhere he turned it was the same thing, but what people didn't get was that it wasn't so easy for him. That he was in a much deeper hole and telling him to do these things and fix it wasn't as simple as that. He needed more than that, but how do you tell people that when the first thing they suggest is a therapist? So frustrating.

The demon's hands would tighten slightly on Sharaku's side as he continued to rest, the agitation flowing through him as he went to war with himself over this one too. Half of him was pissed at the suggestion and another part shaming him for being pissed and the grateful part just getting buried under it all. It was a mess, but a quiet one that only revealed itself through the tension in his body and the way he was rather quiet at the moment.

He would continue to be quiet shifting slightly in his spot to get more comfortable as he heard what the other said. To this one his response was a bit calmer as he sighed. "What ask me seems impossible. I don't even know where to begin trying to figure out what the hell makes me like this let alone figuring out how to make peace with myself. How does one start when they are already so lost?" Could the one lost really become unlost and find clarity in the darkness? Or would they become more lost and consumed by it no matter how much they tried?
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:06 am

"I'm not comparing you to a shelf. I was just using that extreme to illustrate how ridiculous the notion technically sounds. Anyway....I just don't really get what makes it seem like a fruitful thing to do. You yourself are saying you aren't even doing anything wrong to begin with. Doesn't that in itself mean that you're worrying yourself for no reason?" It wasn't that he didn't understand the idea at all. He just...had nothing better to say? Like...if you're not willing to show such thoughts a finger because you know they most likely hold no actual weight...what other suggestion is there to even try? And well, personally, he wasn't like this so he couldn't relate directly. Unlike the other, he didn't go up and then down like this. In his case, it just tended to be a constant state...of nothing. What he had said before fit the best really. A form of apathy. He just didn't feel anything. No great, no shitty. Things just were. He had random moments of emotional spikes, most of which were honestly just bouts of frustration and similar kinds of stuff...but his base state was just complete no-reactivity to things. His emotional regulation was just kind of jacked. It's the kind where you simply shut down and be a piece of rock over magnifying every experience too much like the other seemed to be doing. He had no personal experience of such highs and lows.

Anyway...he would sigh when the other started getting all annoyed and growly a him. Pursing his lips slightly, he would shift one of his arms to rest on the top of he demon's head, ruffling his hair a bit. "Relax. Getting ahead of what is being said won't help either of us." There were reasons behind what he was saying, really. "It isn't like I'm not aware that this type of thing is what most people probably say in some way or form. But...do tell me, what do you expect? If our positions were flipped, would you go and tell me that it's okay to curl up in a hole with tissues and rot? Would you go and encourage me to give in and do nothing about it? I bet you wouldn't do that to someone you care about. My point is that there's simply nothing else I can truly tell you without agreeing with your skewered notion of things. Nobody's really achieved anything by laying down on the couch and weeping about the tragedies of life. It's a harsh reality, but that's how it's always been. One has to keep walking at all times to get through issues. And I would say that failure isn't always the worst indicator. You've just found one of the ways which don't work. Now you have more knowledge at your disposal to use for next time. Besides, just like you said, 'thus far'. There's always a different path that one can attempt." He wasn't suggesting the other goes to a therapist or such. But disagreeing with the unhealthy habits was really the only thing one could do. It wasn't like he could go telling the guy all that shitty stuff was okay to be constantly doing just because that would not strike a nerve, when that would just be a flat out lie. He'd rather suffer the consequences of being direct than do the wrong thing as a pathetic attempt to keep things at peace.

"Well...there's usually some sort of a cause. I'd suggest maybe looking at your own past and how you've been brought up. As far as I understand, most people mold their personality based on their younger years. The reason behind your actions is probably tied with it somehow. Outside of that, I can only say that if you try every path in your reach, you'd probably find something in time, even if you don't know which way is right initially." Being lost isn't the best excuse for not trying. Would you rather die than make an attempt to figure it out, even if it ends up being a lucky guess?
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:15 pm

“Ridiculous.” The demon would snort bitterly at that one. “Maybe it is. I dunno anymore. As for worrying myself over nothing. Are you saying I shouldn’t be worried about stressing the whole damn world with my existence?” The demon’s voice was tense as he reopened his eyes and stared at the wall. This state of existence and people being in its presence….this is exactly why he stayed alone to begin with and tried not to let anyone in….or if he did let folks end prayed they never saw the real mess he was. Even now, the demon wasn’t feeling any better. And why was that? It was because he was showing this horrible thing to the other…”Besides. This isn’t something that is going to go away, you know? These ups and downs? Are just going to continue. I don’t know when they’ll stop. I just know they won’t until they won’t stop until I am somehow cured of this. Can you really tell me not to be worried about how this impacts those around me and you?” He didn’t understand that. Or how it was ridiculous. Even if it was a fruitless effort...how could he not worry?

It was a question he had no answer too and it agitated him to no end...and he suppose that agitation got the better of him for the next topic he actually did snap slightly at the other. He would remain tense, flinching slightly when the other touched him and ruffled his hair. He wasn’t prepared for that one, but after a few seconds he would try to relax as he shifted his wings slightly trying to knock the tension out of his back as he continued to rest against the other. He would hear the words being said and sigh a bit. “...I suppose you’re right. Yet you make it seem so easy when you put that way. Learn from your failures and use that power to move on. Don’t give up….I don’t get how one can do that, so easily. For me it’s like I know what to do, but doing seems so much harder than it should be. It’s like I move and yet don’t...if that makes sense.” It was like being a snail. Making tiny moves forward, but instead of going anywhere he just ended up in a frustrating circle. Why…..? He would sigh inwardly as he buried his face into the guy’s shoulder. He felt like crying, but what good would that do? It would just make the situation worse...wouldn’t it? ...Damn it…

As for that last part, the demon’s ear would droop down even lower thought on that one. “My past….?” Could he really find the answers by facing that mess? He would shift slightly feeling uncomfortable at that thought, but then again…”Maybe you’re right. I dunno anymore, but I suppose I can’t know until I try. Still...I dunno…” No being lost wasn’t excuse to give it up, but was it really okay to be lost and not know, but still push forward. Was that worth the fight?
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Thu Dec 07, 2017 7:42 pm

He would rub the side of his neck at this new barrage of questions. Well...he wasn't necessarily trying to imply one shouldn't give a fuck about how they come off to others. However, excessive worry isn't good either. There's a problem when it gets outside of healthy levels of concern. Besides, one needs to worry about their own well-being in the matter too, not just others'. Blinking a few times to refocus himself, he would give the other a somewhat wry smile. "Yes, I can. Let's just say I'm not thinking in black and white here. Not giving a fuck would be an extreme as well after all. However, my point is that while a normal level of concern can be healthy as it shows you care about others...excessively worrying about something only points towards you being too insecure to be yourself and own it.", he would shake his head slightly. "Besides, it's about perspective in many cases. While you're eating yourself from the inside out with worry, the person it's targeted towards might not find the situation a big deal at all, and you might be depressing yourself completely for naught. Everyone has different levels of what they're willing to handle and put up with after all. If anything, I'd suggest you ask the person currently in question and if they seem confident in saying it doesn't bother them...try to trust their word. It's a two way street after all. Your endless worrying in itself may be what sabotages relationships, as you hide to not be a bother as you put it...they don't understand and think you probably don't like them, so they may distance themselves in return. It just creates a circle." Misunderstandings can happen very easily, and especially when one side is secretive about something potentially big.

In any case, he wouldn't react much to the other's moving about, focusing more onto the conversation for now. "Perhaps it's innate willpower or something. I've always thought that way. If you don't keep fighting, nothing happens.", he would huff slightly. "Not saying it's easy though. Nothing that requires you to fight is inherently easy. I think that even slow is okay, as long as you give it as much as you personally can. Slow and steady can win too, you know?", he would hum under his breath slightly, petting the other's hair a bit.

"Yes. After all, a normal baby isn't born with mental issues such as depression and anxiety. It is something they come to acquire as they grow up. What we turn out to be like is highly dependent on the environment we were raised in. And based on your reaction, it seems your past bothers you somehow, which by itself indicates it is important in the matter." A little kid in diapers isn't going to be depressed yet. It's a state that only comes later, meaning it isn't something people are born with and cannot get rid of at all as if it was a disease of the genetic mutation kind. It's simply a sign of something probably having gone wrong in the person's life at some point. He would chuckle faintly. "You say you don't know a lot. Being a bit more decisive and willing to not just hide when you aren't completely sure helps a good deal, you know?"
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Sat Dec 09, 2017 6:32 pm

“Insecure….” The demon would mumble the word at first seeming tense about the matter and then sighing his shoulders would slump at that one. “Perhaps that is a good word for me...and maybe untrusting is another. I can’t be sure if my outlook and actions are really sabotaging the relationships, but at the same time….I see your point. As far asking people things and what not. How do I do that when the very idea scares the shit out of me? When this whole matter and conversation is scaring me senseless?” His voice would crack a bit, his throat becoming dry the more he tried to talk through this. It was hard. Hard because he could see some truth in the matter, but at the same time had no idea of how to turn things around and just do what needed to be done to help himself out. He didn’t know how to take the step forward and asking for help….that would just break him to pieces. He had to be able to do that on his own right? He couldn’t ask for help with walking...could he? Even after admitting he was terrified a moment ago? He honestly could not tell and the stress of trying to figure it out was what caused him to move his hands a bit so it was easier to grab onto the back of the guy’s shirt, needing something physical to hold lest he lose himself in the insanity he did not want to be alone in anymore.

He would continue to hold onto the other, listening to his next words as he let the other pet his hair, the action a bit soothing despite how wound up he was. Slowly his grip would loosen and he would respond back. “Slow and steady, huh? Can that still work even if the one moving is always falling and rolling back? Can I still win?” He would ask, his voice quiet and drained. He was tired as hell from this, but at the same time in his own way he was still pushing through. Still trying despite being at his wits end with this shit.

As for that next topic, the demon would stay quiet for a while after the other had stopped speaking unsure how to even respond to what was being said. Like he heard it all and understood it, but still….he felt so lost in the matter. And being lost his mind whirled out of control for a bit until eventually he was just so worn out mentally that all he could do is sigh. He would open his mouth not expecting anything reasonable to come out. More than likely just going to agree to end the chat for a bit, but apparently his aching soul had something else in mind. For the words he spoke was not the ones he had been thinking.

“My past...is a cluster fuck of one messed up memory after another. I have my memories of being a prisoner all my life. Whether it was due to being a slave to some other demon, a slave to false love, or a prisoner within a body that wasn’t even my own. It all melts together into one painful mess. You say confront it and tell me to be decisive, but….how does one do that when they are fearful and already so lost they can’t tell the difference between the beginning and the end? I say I don’t know because I honestly don’t. I don’t know what to do, even if I wasn’t insecure or indecisive, I still wouldn’t know what to do. Or how to tackle this on my own. Yet I suppose it is something i have to figure out somehow…” His voice would trail off, his whole being exhausted to the point that all he could do is draw out this dry voice that ironically matched his true age and showed just how very, very, very long he had been dealing with this issue.
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Mon Dec 11, 2017 5:28 am

He would hum faintly. “Well…that could be taken the same way from the other side too. If you can’t be sure your outlook is really causing problems…why do you seem so sure your outlook is valid in the first place? Both are just hypothetical and have no solid proof after all. Yet you’re faster to be on board with one than the other.” Just like you can’t be sure how others are affected by your choices, you technically cannot be sure they think you’re worthless for absolutely no reason. Not without first seeking some sort of proof of confirmation that either is true. “Anyway..maybe try to think and ground yourself a bit? You say you’re scared…but, does it look like I’m going to bite your head off because you told me? Is the fear really as appropriate as it seems to be to you?” Well, he couldn’t really do much besides giving the other food for thought at this point. It wasn’t like he could change the situation forcefully anyway.

He would shift slightly as the other held onto him. “The only true loser is the one who just gives up. Nevertheless, it may just be your perception of things. I don’t believe that when you genuinely keep trying, you actually end up rolling back. It may appear that way, but you’ve most likely still achieved something even if you’re unable to see it just yet. That said, I do believe everyone has it in them to win.” In some way or form. Unless it was something impossible to fight against, but mental issues were typically not in that category. They could be hard, yes, but not unwinnable.

Frowning faintly, he would furrow his brows at the next matter. “I was…mostly referring to being decisive about wanting to move forward, rather than sounding like you’re not even sure if you want to try anything. If nothing else, it’s a first step to stand firm in your decision to attempt every way you can.”, he would sigh a bit. “Anyway…it seems like you need to prove your fear wrong. Sounds like a lot of your negativity comes from conditioning due to how you were treated. Perhaps seek to be in situations where your doomsday thoughts do not come true? If one can be conditioned in one direction, I’d think enough exposure to the opposite environment could help in turning it around…” Theoretically speaking. It was probably something that anyone would recommend in some way. Try to make yourself see that there’s no true basis behind your worries.
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:09 pm

"It is what my mind has told me for so long, so maybe I believe out of habit. i don't exactly stop in the moment and go hey that is dumb. It is not until after the fact and I am already in a dark place the logic kicks in and I just intensify the self beating for being a dumb person. As for your question on fear...." the demon trailed off as he shook his head a bit. "No....it doesn't look like you are going to bite my head off, but even so...this is...something i've never told anyone before. I am...left...v..." He would stop talking as he bit his lip having difficulty saying what he was trying to say. It would take him a moment, but he would eventually open his mouth again. "It leaves me vulnerable before you....and that is honestly terrifying no matter how confident you are," he would say in a whisper. His voice kind of dying on him as he forced the words he had never said to anyone out. It was hard and stressful, but he needed to be honest here otherwise the other probably would not understand him. So as hard as it was, he had to try.

That aside, the demon would take note of the other shifting when he grabbed his shirt and on instinct he let his hands drop back to the sofa not wanting to suffocate the other. In fact, he probably should move off of him huh? He had been there for a while already, but...his body. His body didn't want to move as he remained laying against the other like a blanket feeling miserable, but slightly calmer than before as the other gave him some hope in a matter that seemed to have now. "Perhaps so," was all he would say to the what he heard, his voice dry and distant as he considered for just a few seconds that perhaps he could win, but then just as quickly his mind would crush the thought saying it was impossible, leaving him in a state of limbo mentally that only made him sigh softly. This battle was beyond exhausting, he sometimes wondered how he even lived through this shit every time.

Anyway, the demon would hear the next bit and was quiet for a moment before he forced his heavy body up enough to lean back and look at the other. His face was laced with exhaustion and his eyes red not just due to natural coloring, but fatigue and stress too. Even if he did look like a miserable sack of shit at the moment he didn't care as he focused on those pretty hazel orbs before him and spoke.

"It's probably...no use saying it without action, but I gonna say it anyway. I do want to move forward and keep fighting; however," he would lower his eyes as he smiled sadly. "My ability to stand own...is quite shot. I hear what you are saying, but I don't know how to face what is before me alone. Like....I can plan it, but as soon as I get to the point of doing it I wig or just can't. It's like being glued to the floor or having an invisible wall there that I can't pass. I know stepping forward is all I have to do and yet...." He would close his eyes and shake his head not able to explain just how bad his fear and anxiety was in that department. Even more so to someone who more of a just do it sort. Keeping his eyes closed, he move one hand to massage his forehead a bit moving the hand to push back his hair. As he did this, he would pause leaving his hand in his hair as he just took the moment to try and just breathe for the moment.
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:02 pm

He would blink at that. “That sounds kind of counterproductive…you figure out your original idea was dumb just to make things seem even worse…” He’d think finding out your original reason was not correct would make things all right again, not magnify them instead. Then again, his kind of thinking was a bit different. In any case, he would narrow his eyes with a frown at the next words said. “I don’t…necessarily understand. I don’t enjoy being vulnerable either, but I’d be more worried about a situation where the person can actually exploit it somehow and use it against me. What can I do to you just because I know this? Can’t think of much besides being here, really….” His concept of the word was probably a little different. You’re only seriously vulnerable when whatever info you gave to a person gives them some power over you. Otherwise it seems more like a matter of you being too embarrassed to admit the truth or something.

Anyhow, he didn’t particularly mind the hugging and all. He just didn’t want to go stiff in one exact position, so he moved a little, that was all. Nevertheless, he would keep sitting there as he was, thinking about stuff during the few moments of silence that proceeded to happen after the current subject died. When the other sat back, he would shake his head slightly. “I wasn’t really asking you to do something right now.” He just kind of wanted the other to stop constantly talking like he wasn’t certain whether trying was even worth it and all that type of stuff. “You can’t….”, he would trail off for a moment, frowning in thought. “Then perhaps it’s a bad idea for you to keep doing it by yourself. There are plenty people who don’t get better without assistance of some sort, so I don’t think that’s a bad thing.” It really depended on the person. Some were able to cope by themselves and didn’t need much intervention. Some on the other hand couldn’t progress much alone. Hell, there were even cases that were so bad they had to be kept locked up for therapy so that they would actually go through with something and not chicken out first moment.
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:19 am

"Finding out that the original idea had no foundation just makes it seems like the world is mocking me for my stupidity. It's dumb, I know, but..." he would trail off there with a shake of his head. His mind just seemed to go negative a good portion of the time making what should be happy victories in to misery pits. It wasn't good and honestly he wanted to change it all....it was just trying to do it was the issue. So hard.

As for the next topic....

The demon would stare at the wall for a bit before answering. "There are many ways people can exploit your weaknesses and flaws. This for example can be used by anyone with an eye for dominance or suppression. Knowing how I work and think, one could easily tear me down mentally and make me into something that is beyond functioning anymore. there are many ways..." the demon would say in a quiet and oddly calm voice. Even his breathing pattern became a bit slower as if he was sleeping...but he wasn't. His mind had just drifted somewhere else for the moment.

He would stay like this for a while before he decided to change his positioning and sit back a bit. As he heard the comment given, he would reopen his eyes as he let his hand drop to his side once more. He would give the other an exhausted smile. "Do I really look like I can do anything much right now?" he would ask with a weak snort. "I was just telling you what I want to do. Not saying I am going to do it right now." Can't go swimming in rough seas if you were already dead tired to begin with. You would drown instantly...and honestly he was tired of drowning. He would need a rest before then.

In any case, the demon would watch his reaction to the last comment he had made, taking in the frown and the words that followed. To what was heard, the demon would look Sharaku up and down before shifting to move off of him. With a huff, he would flop down next to him as he slouched against the sofa and looked up at the ceiling tiredly.

"Maybe, but who do I turn to? My therapist?" He'd scoff at that one as he closed his eyes with a shake of his head. "No fucking way," he would mutter as he raised his hands to rub at his face. She would be no help at all. As for his other option in the matter. There was no way he could ask that of Merk or Sharaku either. That was too much to ask, so then. What or who was he left with? Not much. So the question remained unanswered still. What a pain in the ass...
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:32 pm

"I don't think making a mistake is stupid...everyone does that once in a while." It was kind of impossible to always make the correct decision in life, so it was probably important to just learn to swallow the occasional mishaps and not let them drag you down too much. Not everything is a full victory, but that's just how it is...

He would blink a bit..."Well, maybe I just fail to see the point of that. It sounds more like a psychopath behavior to me than anything else. What would one gain from rendering another person useless unless they've had a vendetta towards them to begin with? I tend to be dominant, and I wouldn't even consider bothering, to be honest." It just didn't make sense. You get nothing out of a broken person. They just become baggage for you to loaf around. And well, the few rare people that would have a reason to want to do this would probably seem untrustworthy to begin with, in most cases.

Eh? "Nnno? You were just saying you thought it was no use saying it without action...so I was noting that I didn't expect you to go prove it right away." How did that turn out to get the literal opposite across, he had no idea. But he wasn't really going to question that at the moment, though this confused him a little bit. In any case, he would tilt his head slightly when the other plopped off of him. Which would soon transition into him raising an eyebrow at the guy. "...uh, why do you keep visiting a therapist you clearly don't have much intention of working with then? There's plenty others to at least try." That's not how it works after all. You can seek a change if the current one doesn't seem to be able to help you, so why stick around when it's not working? "Anyway, not like therapists are the only option."
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Rika on Wed Dec 13, 2017 7:09 pm

"I know..." the demon would mutter with a slump of his shoulders. He honestly had no way to explain to someone who wasn't in the same boat as him just how his mind worked. It is not that he didn't understand things, it's just everything for one reason or another had to hit him like a cannon ball when it was negative. He wasn't sure why it happened. He just know it did and the pain never got any better as time went on.

That aside, Rika would hear the response to his words and respond in the same calm way. "People have reasons to break folk whether it is vengeance or to make them submit to their ways. There is always a reasons for cruelty," he would say before closing his eyes a bit. "I guess you are one of the kinder ones then." It was a bit hard for him to swallow at times considering dominance for Rika meant something totally different due to the way he was conditioned; however, slowly but surely he was learning to trust the guy not to try and do something to him...and it was this trust that allowed him to be vulnerable before the guy even when he was terrified as hell. Was he being stupid by doing this? Considering nothing was guaranteed and all that? Well maybe, but you know what? He couldn't see the future and so choose to just deal with the situation as is and not worry about all the other variables for once. He already enough shit on his plate to be worried about that.

The demon would blink a few times at the other, a bit confused himself now as could easily be read by his expression as his eyebrows furrowed a bit. "Uh...Hmmm. Okay." He thought he understood what the guy was saying and honestly he didn't think the other wanted him to prove anything right now. He was honestly just making a comment and trying to be a bit funny in this gloomy situation. Guess it didn't work. Ah well.

That aside, the demon would continue to rub his face for a bit, his ear twitching a bit before folding downward at the question. Letting his hands drop to his side, he would sigh a bit at that one. "See...that is the thing. I went because I was trying to kick start myself out of this shit. People suggested it could work and was advising me to go, so I did. This one is my third therapist....and for the most part isn't a bad doctor...just she isn't getting me and honestly I am not willing to gut myself in front of one like I am doing here. It is odd considering this shit is what they are trained to do. There is just something about it I resist. It just doesn't feel right, you know?" Maybe it didn't work because while he did go to help himself, the biggest reason he did went was to get stop the nagging that he was getting for being resistant to the idea. Hmm. Anyway...

The demon would look over at the other with a sad smile. "No. There is always being institutionalize too." Though that probably shut him down rather than help. Either way the comment was meant to be a joke more so than anything. "Though seriously...what other options are there for me at this point?"
avatar
Rika
Admin

Posts : 1461
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 31
Location : In my own madness

View user profile http://playgroun.forumotion.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sharaku on Wed Dec 13, 2017 8:33 pm

Well, he would just scratch his cheek lightly there, not really having anything more to add when the other didn’t give him anything concrete to grasp onto. Then again, there was likely no need to draw out every topic until the end of the world.

“I just…don’t really understand the viability of that. Breaking someone to the point of making them useless doesn’t sound like an actually smart way of making someone submit. That’s literally just being a dick simply because you can be.” Really, if the goal is to have a person be submissive to you, wouldn’t it hold more value to have them be that way out of their own volition is some way. More like…managing to convince them somehow…not by making them go insane so they can’t even resist you anymore. That’s such a cheapskate way to do anything. “And I think there aren’t that many people who would resort to such lows for revenge. Unless they’re hit in the head themselves somehow.” An everyday person wouldn’t think to be such a complete cuntface and lack any conscience to the point where they can just calmly destroy someone’s life like that and even laugh about it. That’s…not normal?

That aside…when it came to the action matter….well to be fair he was not being affected by the supposed gloominess. He was really just flat neutral on the inside, and had kind of thought this was meant to be a serious matter, so a random joke like that honestly did not register. He wasn’t expecting funny, so he didn’t quite interpret it as that. It didn’t work because he did not bend to the collective mood naturally. Nevertheless, he would take that as it was, just offering a vague shrug in return. He didn’t want to accidentally turn this into an unnecessary debate.

He would make a mild :T face when the other spoke about the therapist issue before clicking his tongue slightly. “They…don’t always understand clearly when you don’t tell them enough truth for them to use in their evaluations. I’ve had the same problem before…albeit for different reasons. I’ve never stuck with any therapist I tried. Though…why is it that you are against being more honest with them?” It would be very tough to get someone to legitimately help you with only little information. That just leads to assumptions and potentially wrong approaches. He would huff at the next comment though. “That I think is a bad idea unless it’s a last resort…” There probably were some people who could not be helped otherwise, but it shouldn’t be a first choice. At any rate, he would frown a bit. “Don’t tell me there’s literally no-one in your life that could help you in some way. You know that’s not true.”
avatar
Sharaku

Posts : 1474
Join date : 2016-08-11
Age : 21
Location : In candyland

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Depression and A Bottle of Wine

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 3 Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum