Now the game's on

Well, it wasn’t as if he was completely disinterested in the subject. He could have kept talking about it in some way, but it just didn’t feel like it was the smartest idea to keep digging in that spot at the moment. Talking about food only helps inspire one to want to eat sooner, which wasn’t really their goal, and it was also something they could just discuss at a more appropriate time. Perhaps when they were actually in the middle of doing food related activities of any sort.

One way or another, some things would happen whether they wanted them to or not anyway, so the fact that they could personally choose to omit a few of them without much issue was a nice ability to have. While certain specific matters did need to be laid out right away, many of them were adaptable enough to be shuffled around depending on what they were in the mood for and when. While unlike the other he wasn’t naturally super easy to get along with, or at least tended to not be most of the time, he wasn’t the one to hold onto the bad stuff for too long when it did happen. Unless the person who was causing it was really super offending, or just plain incapable of realizing they were being a pain in the ass in some way. Therefore, he didn’t spend a lot of time wondering about the so called headbutting, for as long as there was no reason to at a given time.

When it came to thinking about stuff, his approach was more or less similar. And the fact that he did think about something that was currently happening didn’t even always have to mean that it was because he was highly bothered by it. It simply happened due to something inspiring that train of thought, and unless it was causing him trouble to simply wonder about something, he typically didn’t make a point of forcing himself not to. It would pass soon enough as they moved onto something else anyway. ‘’Depends on what angle you look at it from.’’, he would snort lightly. ‘’I still think you would make good being on the display of a china shop.’’ Speaking of being fragile however, it sounded like a rather mystery factor. At the end of the day, he wouldn’t be able to tell whether it was truly too much or not, unless he had some sort of solid confirmation available for either theory. And despite the fact that he could simply not pay attention at times, he usually wasn’t that horrible at it. Though it was of note to say that there was no guarantee that the two of them would see the exact same things as important. A lot of that comes down to personal opinion after all.

Time to roll towards more intense matters however, such as the second attempts at making kissing work for them. There were a few things that were quite amusing about that situation, but they wouldn’t really come up at first, since the demon appeared to be content enough to leave things the way they were. And perhaps they would have stayed that way, but as much as he would have liked to keep the smooth continuity there, it would have been more of a problem as time went. Well, most likely at the very least, but he didn’t want to risk the chances either way. There was a pretty good reason behind him asking what he did, and while trying to be sure was the main one, there was naturally a bit more to it than just that. If there wasn’t, he wouldn’t have felt the need to ask in the middle of what they were doing and could have just waited until they moved on from this and brought the topic up once they were back to simply walking around or such. He typically didn’t do things like this without a solid enough reason for it, if it could be done a simpler way were that special reason not actually there.

He’d observe the slight pause and all that happened before Rika collected his mind enough to speak, his expression thoughtful at first, but would eventually switch over to a mild frown at what ended up being said. The other seemed to be mildly missing the point of the questioning if he thought it was intended to poke at what would happen later on. Yes, knowing that was sure great as well, and he wouldn’t protest about having some loose future plans, but that was not what he was after. Were his concerns related simply to the future progression of this, he would have likely waited to ask once they were done fooling around. However, he didn’t. Because he was really just asking about now specifically, and therefore couldn’t afford to wait until they were done, as that would make the point of it moot.

Huffing faintly, he would move his hands away from the other for the moment, crossing them over his chest while still remaining standing as close to the guy as he was. He didn’t have the intention of truly moving away yet, but keeping his hands off for a second did work for him in some ways. ‘’That…isn’t what I really meant. My intention wasn’t to think very ‘far ahead’ with this as you put it. I’m really only talking about what we’re doing right here and now, even though having a general idea is appreciated. I can’t predict what will we decide to do later anyway, as nice as that would be, and opinions on what is okay would likely shift in time either way. I wanted to know what extent you were willing to take the current situation to….though…’’, he would pause for a bit, eyeing the guy contemplatively for a brief moment before continuing with his train of thought. ‘’Since we’re at this now, I’d like to say that you have a slightly wrong idea there. I may not have a lot of experience, but that doesn’t necessarily make me an easily breakable glass or something. I know what I want. I just want to see whether we are on the same page with some things or not, since it definitely makes things easier if there’s no need keep tabs on what is still fine and what isn’t constantly. That said, I’m not really looking to be told about how you aren’t trying to rush me. If you did attempt something I was really against, I would have sent your idea to hell already. I don’t think I’m enough of a pushover to just go with anything simply because I haven’t had the chance to test it out before.’’ Like, he didn’t need to be reminded that he had the right to say no to things or stop the guy if it went places he didn’t really like. That was technically a no-brainer after all, and it made no difference whether he was experienced or not when it came down to that. Plus, nothing in his original question implied that he had a problem with….unless…

Sigh. Of course. Maybe that was the problem there. Well yes, it was true that he did come off a bit hesitant before and all that stuff, which could make the guy think that he needed to be careful and pay a good deal of mind to that type of thing, but that wasn’t necessarily the case. On one hand, part of it perhaps was that he was a little uncertain about how it would work out, but it wasn’t too severe. Honestly, maybe it was just a case of him being slightly nervous about it. While he normally didn’t care as much about what random people around thought of him and such, when there was actually something at stake and he wanted to keep things within a pleasant circle, he sure didn’t want to mess it all up thanks to some dumb move that could have been avoided. Would have been a pretty sucky ending, really. He didn’t like screwing up. And even more so due to the fact that he didn’t get along with a lot of people to begin with, so when he was in the position where something could in fact get places for once, he’d rather not blow it for no good reason. He wasn’t like those people who had more potential friends/dates at arm’s length than the number of fingers on their hands, so he didn’t feel like he could afford to act too foolishly and take unnecessary risks too often. Thus, that was probably the main source of his tendency to double-check certain things before doing them, or anything of that kind, really. He didn’t do it all the time, but it definitely came up rather often, that was for sure. And he typically didn’t exactly register he was doing that until something pointed it out in some fashion and made him stop to re-evaluate, like right now. He still didn’t know how to proceed there though. He didn’t want to just flip around completely and do the opposite of that, because that would likely only cause him ten times as much mental stress over how much mess could crop up. On the other hand, this wouldn’t do as it was either. He didn’t want the guy to think that he needed to be super mindful around him all the time.

Such a dilemma. Well, perhaps he would have to go out of his way to prove that he was okay with stuff at the end of the day. Since it felt like simply talking about it would lead them in circles, and it wasn’t like the guy had to believe his words if he didn’t actually back them up somehow. It wasn’t the easiest decision to make, but he felt like his motivation to make a move here would get completely shot if he put it off for too long and tried to just talk things out.

He would shift in his spot slightly as he took a deeper breath to clear his mind, his eyes narrowing at the guy briefly. ‘’What I mean to say is that you don’t really need to worry about my well-being in this so much. You said you weren’t putting down any clear rules, yes? Then I suppose just let me show you…’’, he would state with a mildly amused look on his face while he spoke. He wouldn’t really loiter around to give the demon the time to process the matter in detail, and definitely not really the time to respond back. Unless he was stopped of course, but to put it simply, his intention sort of was to maybe catch the guy by surprise. If he had to do it this way, might as well make it count. Reaching out with his hands to grasp Rika’s clothes a little below his collar, he would tug the guy up a bit, so they could get back to what they were doing before the impromptu interruption. This time though, it would be a little different. One, his move was made with a lot more confidence, and he certainly didn’t appear to be hesitating this time around. Two, while he didn’t skip the middle steps and try to like French kiss the guy, his approach was definitely more firm and intense compared to what they’ve been doing before.

If the guy had already been dazed when they broke off the last time, then he would sure have a lot on his plate this time around. After all, the demon was right that he wasn’t too bad at what he did. And a lot of the negatives there had to do with him holding back in a sense and all that. Plus, that first try there sure helped him settle on how to do this properly, therefore there wouldn’t really be any specific issues this time around. Unless some unplanned for snag happened, but that would probably not be the fault of a bad move. He couldn’t know how the guy would react to this after all, so anything could happen on that front. For now though, he would opt to not think of that this time around. There was no point in second guessing now that he already did what he did…

While it would be  uncertain for now if the other was truly disinterest in the food talk, Rika honestly wouldn’t dwell on it. For him the food talk was just that. Talk about food that would only make him more hungry if he was already wanting to eat in the first. Since he was pretty content the food chat would’ve just been something to pass time with. Small talk if you would, but if the other didn’t show interest in it then he wasn’t going to get upset or pry the other badly for it. It was just a topic and honestly not that important at the moment. Besides the demon was okay with silences here and there and despite being more talkative than the other, he wasn’t the sort that needed chat all the time anyway.

And so silences would happen as things begin to settle and the pair went into their own thoughts. Rika would let his mind wander in this time frame going from worries about future things to some more random thoughts about things that were hardly worth mentioning or disturbing the peace with. At any rate, the silence and wandering thoughts would come to an end as the pair starting poking at each other and their ways. “Pfft. Oh please me being a display in a china shop with all my chips and cracks. Who would ever want that or to see it?” he would say his voice still light hearted and playful...though there was some truth behind what he said. While he was okay most of the time, he was still unsure how another would view his uglier side and his issues. Sure he had accepted them because he lived with them, but someone else observing him or trying to interact with him during those times? He often times wondered if he would drive another way. Not that it had happened yet...then again outside of himself, no one had ever dealt with him when he was having a really bad day or had become broken for a bit. Well that was a thing and probably something Sharaku would have to contend with in the end….provided they made it that far.

Rika would use his free hand to rake through his hair as gave a slow blink. He tried to make the move just look like a random action, but honestly how well that was pulled off would rely on how much the other choose to pay attention or not. The move was smooth, but he had zoned out a little as he looked forward and his worry had temporarily blinded him before he caught it and forced it back into its proper place. It was a small window, but still it had happened. So if the other had caught it who knew what would happen. Though did that matter? He wasn’t sure and honestly just wanted the anxiety and Worry Wart 3000 upstairs to shut up. Seriously could he not just not have them for once? It was quite agitating, but the demon managed to keep the stress he placed upon himself down enough to at least function and walk normally, so maybe he would be okay after a few breathes or so of air.

Anxiety attacks would soon be put to rest as the pair came their destination and the kissing attempt began. At first the activity was good, the demon unphased by the details as he simply enjoyed being in the moment. A moment that was interrupted by questioning of things from the other. It was true it took him a moment to come back down the earth and think logically again, but hey that is what happens when things were suddenly jarred elsewhere and one wasn’t exactly focused on thinking to begin with. He would collect himself and considered what was heard before answer the question.

He thought he understood what was being asked, but as he saw the frown, heard the huff and then saw the guy moved his arms to fold them across his chest than around him, the demon knew before the other even opened his mouth that some form of error had been made, but what sort of error he was very confused on. So confused that his expression actually became a small frown of his own as he it the corner of his lip watching the other and thinking as he stayed where he was not really paying attention to the fact they were still relatively close. His anxiety was trying to enter the picture, but luckily for them both Sharaku spoke...and confirmed his previous thoughts: he had indeed missed something.

To what he heard, the demon would blink a bit as he processed that. So the guy just wanted an answer to just this moment. Well he kind of answered that too didn’t he? Eh? The demon wasn’t even sure anymore as the frown remained as he reached up his left hand and grasped onto his horn a bit his fingers moving along slightly out of habit when he was thinking on things. Maybe he would’ve spoke, but something in the way the other watched him made him hold his tongue for the time being. And what do you know he spoke. As for what he said. Well…

The demon would sigh a bit as his hand shifted to scratching his head for a moment in thought before he would drop back to his side and look up at the other with a somewhat sheepish expression.

“Ah. I suppose I misread the signals and situation there. I’ll keep that in mind for next time though,” he would say with a light nod. Alright he would take that punch. He had made assumptions off of what the other was doing and didn’t bother to ask for clarity before saying what he did...But honestly would he would it be natural or smooth if those assumptions weren’t there at all and he stopped every time to get clarity on this and that? At this point he was unsure of the correct answer for that and perhaps was overthinking a matter that probably was fine despite the snag. Perhaps him and the other suffered from overthinking things too much making them either to cautious or assume the wrong things depending on the situation. Was this trouble? Maybe, but then again maybe not.  It was hard to say and even less easy for the demon to try and figure out right then and there. Besides just as this came up another thing would crop up.

The demon had barely enough time to settle from the first thing when the other said another that got his mind going in a different direction as he looked over at him and tried to process what he said, but the demon didn’t get that luxury as the guy unexpectedly grabbed his clothing, the move startling at first as he did not know what the guy was intending to do when he grabbed him and then yanked him up a bit. Instinctively, Rika’s body tensed as it responded to what could’ve been seen as an aggressive action. He’d admit he was panicked for two seconds his red eyes going slightly wider with the shock only for him to be thoroughly unsure how to act for a few seconds when the other came at him with a very bold and intense kiss, unlike any the other had done before.

For a few seconds Rika was tense and stiff as he mind took a second to catch up, but then before it could become to awkward, the demon would relax as his eyes closed. He would tilt his head a bit as he pulled back just a bit before going right back to the other’s lips in a well paced and neat action. As he kissed the other back, his hands would slide up the guy’s body gently before coming sliding around to behind the others head gently rubbing the guy’s hair, but also getting under it to actually touch the other’s neck. The move was playful, but also very respectful of the other his senses on high alert for any indication he was doing something wrong.

The kissing would remain normal, the demon moving mouth his hands, head, and mouth in an attempt to make the moment as enjoyable for them both. The demon would do this for a short period of time before the demon tested the waters by giving the other’s lower lip a quick lick before pulling his tongue back in his mouth just to see what he would do...

‘’Nothing is completely perfect anyway.’’, he would shrug lightly when the joking took on a slightly odd direction. The other was still phrasing it as a joke, yes, and while he didn’t know what exactly, he was at the very least aware that it was about more than that. Though how serious the implication really was, he wouldn’t know. Nor would he go out of his way to actually ask, not wanting to turn the mood around simply because he felt slightly curious about the matter. Not at that moment in time. Maybe it would come up later on, and he could focus on it then, but for now he would just make a mental note of it. Same thing with what the demon did right after. Well, he had no idea whether it was connected, but it might as well have been in some way. Regardless, he didn’t think it was the right time to poke the guy about things. They’ve already done a lot of that up until now, and if they kept at it, who knew how this date would turn out.

Speaking of things how things turned out, the following scenario would actually happen to be on the positive side. More or less, at least, since small misunderstandings ended up coming up, but he didn’t think they were that bad. Admittedly, it had been slightly frustrating for a brief moment, but he wasn’t getting mad about what happened. Not unless the guy were to stubbornly insist on that certain point of view and refuse changing his mind at all. Which would be something he’d have to observe for a while anyway. Still, he had to say something at the end of the day, because not letting the guy know wouldn’t change anything. So it wasn’t as if he was trying to put the guy down. He just felt like bringing it up would be the better idea there, because that’s the only way to make any sort of compromise. If someone doesn’t know some of their actions aren’t super appreciated, they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. That said, it was perhaps true that he could come off a little more stand offish about it than intended, with the stance he took on and all that, but it was really just something he did without thinking. Guess it was a thing for him to seem more ‘mad’ about matters than he really was. In most cases, at least.

'’Well, I just wanted to make things clear, is all.’’, he would remark casually once he got a response out of the other. Assumptions weren’t always bad. One just had to be careful of how much did they hang onto them. Unless you’ve confirmed them 100%, there was always a chance you were incorrect, and it was probably a good thing to keep in mind. Things aren’t always just as they seem to be after all.

One way or another, almost anything was a step into an unknown of sorts, and technically, so was what happened next. Luckily for him, the other didn’t assume he was trying to hurt him somehow and tried to punch him or such, because that would have been a bit of a fail. He had been aware that it could happen though, but he kind of hoped that the demon would at least trust him enough to not assume the worst on spot. What would he have gained by trying to be violent anyway? It would only make things between them a lot worse. Nevertheless, he took the fact that it took Rika some time to register the reality in stride, seeing as he did go out of his way to make an unannounced move. Kind of. He didn’t really mind as long as he didn’t get noped completely. Which didn’t seem to be the case there.

It turned out pretty well in the end though, so there was nothing to complain about just yet. When the other moved his hands around to dig into his hair, he would give a small muffled sound, something akin to a mix of a hum and a purr, as he moved his arms to wrap around the demon’s waist for the time being. It would appear he liked that, so the other had made a lucky guess this time around. The fact that he was actually managing to not spend the majority of the time thinking about everything probably helped the matter as well in its own way. Because he was certainly capable of getting stuck on wondering about why this and that was done, which is a good way to kill the mood, or at least disturb the atmosphere in some way. Hopefully, it would last him for long enough…

…and what Rika did after some while would certainly prove to be a good test for that. Surprising new additions like that were a prime example of stuff that could cause one to back up and think about what the hell was happening. To be honest, it did give him run for his money very briefly, and he almost did pause there, but he somehow managed to shake it off. Not this time around. Besides, not relying on his mind was kind of nice, since thinking too much could really be the bane of existence for certain actions. Albeit, that still didn’t mean he was utterly sure about what to do there. Yes, he had a pretty good idea about what the guy was trying to do but…eh, screw it. He didn’t like the sound of where that train of thought was going. No but’s for now. Even though the question of where this would lead remained in the air, he could still play the game.

In fact, he would keep the forwardness he had when starting this as he moved one of his hands up to cup the other’s cheek, promptly followed by him prying against the guy’s lips with his tongue. While he wasn’t too forceful, letting the guy possibly decline the idea, he could sure be rather demanding when he was into what he was doing. And besides, he wasn’t the one who started it in the first place, although he was willing to pull it through based on what was going on. What would actually happen would depend on how the demon decided to respond though…

Timing. It was a thing that was sometimes particular important when it came to certain things. Just like with food the timing could make or break a situation and while it was true mastering the skill with people was a lot harder than with food, it seemed Sharaku was pretty good with it...or perhaps had gotten lucky that the demon did not take his actions negatively. To the words heard the demon would nod in agreement with that though his behavior and body language remained slightly tensed despite his efforts not to let the anxiety the thoughts in his head caused show.

Despite his behavior, Sharaku wisely didn’t poke at him or make it more awkward for him by forcing the underlying issues to the surface. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t talk about them, but rather Rika did not want his anxiety issue ruining things. Yes they were going to have some moments like this, but the less the other directly attacked them the better off. Besides, this was a first date right and provided things went well, they’d have time to figure out ways to make their differences work together, right?

Speaking of making things work, it appeared that despite the snag that came up, the conversation the pair had didn’t end and flames. While it was true Rika was a bit anxious about the situation - mainly due to his negative thinking trying to beat him down for doing...pretty much nothing wrong - the feeling would quickly evaporate as the conversation came to an end. Rika would look up at the other and as he tried to smile a bit and at least appear more or less cooler than he felt inwardly. “That is cool.” And it really was. Despite his often bad looking reactions the demon wasn’t rebelling against the matters at hand no matter which way they turned. He just had a bit of an issue hiding internal conflicting….making him appear more upset than he actually was with the situation. It would have to be worked on for sure, but you know what? In the end, he would tell that anxiety fuck you as something else completely took over his focus and mind: the kiss.

Yes it the approach took him by surprise, but perhaps between the last two and how things just had been going in general, the demon wasn’t thinking the other intended to harm even if his body did react naturally to the grab. He was startled is all, but once everything clicked in nothing else mattered as he let himself sink into this moment alone.

He heard the sound the other made when he played with his hair and felt a trickle of pleasure flow through him. Oho? So he liked that huh. Well now. He would have to keep that in mind. Regardless of that, the demon would feel the other’s arms wrap around his waist and in response, he would bring himself a tad bit closer as his tongue licked the other’s lip as a test and the end response? Well…

The demon would feel the other shift as his hands came up to cup his cheeks, he felt the other’s tongue against his lips wanting in and while he could've pulled back and denied the other what he wanted. The demon was not one to pull back out of things he had started. So in response to the other’s action, the demon would shift his head a bit as his mouth opened a bit wider to let the other in a soft hum coming out of him as he slipped his own tongue under the others a bit before moving slightly around to play a bit with it. He made sure not to go too far in lest he’d choke his companion and in turn make what seemed to be going well so far into something not so grand.

In any case, the demon’s mind would not wander past the present. Yes he was aware this could go places, but at the same time he was pretty sure both of them were smart enough to stop or do something if things seemed to be going too fast or the wrong way. Besides...was it really bad to attempt to french kiss on a first date? He didn’t think so and it proved that despite it all they were actually a bit more compatible than he thought...or at least for this moment they were. He would have to wait and see if the idea would settle into something solid in time.

Sometimes he really wished he could actually read minds or something like that, because he wasn’t sure how he felt about the guy’s behavior at times. On one hand, he would certainly like to know what was going on, while on the other, he knew that constantly poking at it would just not end all too well. That, and he wasn’t super keen on discussing possibly negative topics all the time when they were here for different stuff. Still, it would remain a bit of a mystery land in the end, and one he didn’t really have a way of dealing with at the moment. Though, the other wasn’t entirely correct when thinking that not bringing it all up would equal it not ruining things. While ‘ruining’ was too strong of a word to use for the situation in general, it would still remain to be said that for as long as it was noticeable, it would have some sort of effect. Not an extremely severe one, but not talking about it doesn’t make it invisible. Not in this particular case, at least.

For the time being, he wouldn’t dissect it too hard though. However, if it kept popping up often enough, he would likely have to poke the guy whether Rika liked it or not. Because that couldn’t go on forever either. Yeah, maybe it made the other feel better when he wasn’t forced to talk about it a lot, but that doesn’t exactly include how the other side could feel when having to watch that all the time in silence, now does it? It can be pretty tough to just ignore it at times when you have no idea what is the other actually thinking. It could be just about anything, and knowing that doesn’t help the matter any. That said, he would stay quiet for this round, letting their convo die there. There was nothing to say unless he wanted to dig into things already after all.

And it would seem that the only digging they would end up doing would be of a physical kind. If one wanted to call it that, that is. What happened was rather unusual for certain, so the demon probably couldn’t be blamed for being surprised there. They were sure going up and down like on a rollercoaster at times, but somehow it was turning out just fine, so there was likely no need to worry about it for the time being. Speaking of which, yes, he liked that. Honestly, going for his hair or the general area around that was probably the best bet unless one knew where else to turn to. Which would require some guesswork, as well as the fact that not all the ‘best’ moves are ones that are very safe to try pulling off right away. Or appropriate, for that matter.

Sometimes it was hard to say what was truly appropriate though. Some people would probably frown at what they were doing already. But hey, who cares? The two of them apparently didn’t, which was what mattered the most at the moment. In any case, the demon didn’t appear to want to protest against what was happening, which would have arguably been weird either way, since he had been the one to initiate the entire idea in the first place. The whole thing….was a little odd though. Don’t get him wrong, he knew how to do it for the most part, but the feeling itself was a little strange. Not necessarily bad, but perhaps he would just need to get used to it, since at first it felt more just like a random pressure on his tongue, than anything else. And he doubted people would enjoy doing that if that was it. It was entertaining enough though, so he wouldn’t complain for the moment. For the time being, he would let the other have the lead, and just more or less move along with what happened. Besides, it was kind of important for them to match their movements well enough, otherwise it would be chaotic and not exactly very pleasant for either of them. And as long as he made sure to not shove his tongue down the guy’s throat, it’d be cool, right? Plus, he was kind of curious as to whether Rika wanted anything specific out of this, since he was the one to start with the tongue pokes. This way he could see whether the guy would make any extra moves, or just stick to their current pace. Then again, what more can one do in this situation? Outside of…trying to take the making out beyond kissing, which was likely rather questionable.

Were that to happen though, would it be really bad? It may come off as going too fast, but at the end of the day, what mattered was that they were both cool with what was happening, right? There are people who have sex on their first date and end up doing just fine long-term. As long as it hasn’t been a case of one person forcing the other into it. Nevertheless, it was definitely doubtful that they would actually go that far. And even if they did step beyond the current threshold, there are always less heavy options than straight out going all the way to sex town….

Avoidance and trying not to react badly….Rika was highly aware of what each could do to a situation. He knew that by not speaking up, the sleeping curiosities and thoughts could indeed become monsters that were hard to handle later down the road if not addressed soon rather than later. He also understood that by trying to suppress who he wasn’t the grandest of ideas either because just like avoidance, the suppression would make it worse. On the other hand, Rika was not interested in ruining a good thing with his anxiety and so tried to deal with it quietly...though he had to wonder just how the other felt about the matter since his reactions to his thoughts still rested on the surface no matter what he did. Something he kind of hated right about now since the fact it showed bothered him and in turn made him worry even more about the situation. It was a battle for sure that he honestly wanted to shut down and just leave him the hell alone, but it would take that moment when he was brushing his hand through his hair to calm down and refocus on the situation. His issue was a bitch...there were no other way to describe it, but thankfully for now the other didn’t get at him for what he did.

Did this mean he wanted to avoid the matter forever? No. He was highly aware that his behavior was probably odd to most and at some point it should be addressed it was just that after all that had happened before now that something good was happening, he didn’t want it destroyed by them potentially getting into gritter stuff once more. After all, he had invited the guy out to enjoy his presence and get to know him. Not weigh him down with his own problems. Honestly, he wondered sometimes why his mind didn’t get that memo. It seriously needed to just stop moving at times and just be in one spot. Stop worrying about all the what ifs and just focus.

...And for once, it actually did shut up when the kissing came into play. It was a indeed a rather odd and surprising turn of events, expectations for first dates being quite different than what actually happened. Perhaps most would consider that they slow down and not jump off a cliff like this into the unknown so soon. Perhaps some would find the moves to bold or invasive. People had their rules and so did society. To be honest, two guys together was not a favorable thing in most society or in most eyes. There were rules and such for this. Guidelines you know, but you know what? Life didn’t go by rules people and society made and neither did Rika. For him the world was full of people and while he never expected himself to end up with a guy, he did not balk at the idea finding what was happening here just as natural as if it was someone of the opposite gender, so he did not resist the attraction to the other that seemed to be on the same page as him in this regard.

As they kissed, he took note of the other’s actions a French Kiss actually not unfamiliar to him. He had kissed before alright just not with a guy, so the kissing part was fine enough. Now where was he going with this kiss? Well not very far just yet it would seem. Sure while they were doing the act, he would participate fully his motions syncing up with the others and his hand moving occasionally to rub the other’s neck area or stroke his hair in a gentle fashion that maybe the other would enjoy. He supposed he have to wait in see.

Despite where it could all go for the time being Rika left it at just kissing. As much as sex might be appealing at this particular time, they were in a forest first off...and that in turn brought all sorts of problems on its own. Secondly despite thoroughly enjoying what was happening, the demon did have a small hang up with the situation.

You see, he was happy, comfortable, and to be honest desired more; however, there was a piece of him that made him afraid too and was this piece of him that played into the pause that happened next. That and a small break between kisses was never a bad thing right?

The pause would come gradually, the demon letting that kissing moment go on for a bit before he carefully pulled back and reopened his eyes his arms still around the other’s shoulders as he looked up at him a bit dazed from it all. That was actually a really good kiss and it made him wonder about some things as he smiled up at the other a bit.

“Are you sure you’ve never done this before?” he would ask his voice a whisper as he teased the other a bit. Sure he did sense some uncertainty here and there, but the fact the guy remained strong through it all and carried on was quite amazing, even more so that he made it so enjoyable. It made it hard to believe the guy was really a beginner.

How did he really feel about it? That was indeed a good question, but at the given moment, he didn’t have a clear answer yet. He didn’t necessarily approve of it, but he wasn’t too mad about it either. It was a hard one to settle. On one hand, it could be dangerous to avoid important issues since such stuff could easily break a relationship, regardless of how great the first dates would appear to go. On the other, depressive hang outs right off the bat could end up with a very similar result. Was there really a right way of approach? He wouldn’t know. Perhaps it was something that varied with the pair in question, and so the two of them would have to find the path that worked the best for them. One way of another though, it sure would need to be addressed eventually, even if not on this date. Something as prominent as that would probably play a part in what happened fairly often, and it would only be fair for it to be put on the table before it could cause damage behind the scenes that would be hard to repair later on. On top of all of that, he couldn’t know how to react when he was faced with empty void. There was no guarantee that he would be able to help the other somehow, but knowing what one is dealing with can do wonders at times.

As for what was actually happening once they passed over that rocky path, well, it was both unusual and not. To each their own, really. Many people wouldn’t do things that fast, but quite a few probably liked to test it out right away to make sure they wouldn’t later find out they don’t even like being physical with their partner. That can happen after all. And speaking of genders…well, that could sure be trouble sometimes, but one can’t change who they are, can they now? While he was willing to go both ways, if he had to say, his ratio was about 75/35 in favor of guys. Frankly, if a woman was interested in him and asked him out while he wasn’t with anyone and he liked her decently enough, he would probably give it a go. If he was the one seeking a date though, a guy would likely always be his first choice. That’s simply how it was, and he just found it somewhat easier to be with guys. While he could find girls attractive, it just didn’t flow as easy as that. Sure didn’t help his chances at a relationship thanks to how the society liked to view such matters, but he had never been a magnet for people in the first place, so what gives? He was probably at an approximately same level at the end of the day regardless of preferences.

In regards to the kiss itself…he wouldn’t know whether there was much difference between doing it with a man and a woman, but he would guess that probably not really? Outside of random factors like some guys having scratchy beards that get in the way and the like. Which wasn’t really the case here anyway. He would hum lightly, more or less approving of what the other was doing. As long as the guy didn’t pull on his hair hard or such, he was definitely fine with that. Well, maybe he wouldn’t mind a little bit of roughness were that to happen, but there is obviously some limit to everything, and he liked his hair remaining attached to his head, that was for sure.

And no, sex in a forest was certainly a rather bad idea, unless the people in question got off on the idea of possibly getting caught doing that. Though, there were still less invasive things that could be done instead of that anyway. ‘’Mm…?’’, he would furrow his brows a bit when the demon pulled away after a while. He kind of didn’t expect that. Although, they couldn’t really keep going at it forever, that much was true. Blinking a few times to refocus on what was happening, he would settle both his arms back around Rika’s waist, as that was most comfortable in general while they were doing stuff standing.

He was a little thrown off the loop for a moment, but he would attempt to answer the question given at the very least. ‘’I’m…yes, I am. I just don’t find it that hard to do. I don’t know why would someone think that trying to choke your partner or anything like that is okay. Sounds rather dumb to me.’’ He kind of found most of the stuff to be common sense, really. Plus, taking note of how the other was doing it was also a way to optimize things. Though admittedly, he would probably have some issues were he to deal with someone who was horrible at it and tried to slobber all over him or such. Likely, he would just give up and push the person away over and other course of action. He did to pretty well, yes, but it also depended on the other side too. That said, he would blink some more, unsure whether the demon stopped just to ask him that, or if there was more to it…

What was the appropriate time and way to approach things indeed. Later or sooner, both had their pros and cons that was for sure; however, which was right and which wrong? That was the main question and one that did not really have an answer to. The only thing certain was that in some fashion, his anxiety issues would have to be laid on the table fully rather than briefly looked at like they had done earlier. As uncomfortable as it was to admit to for various reasons, Rika did take into consideration that this guy with him was potentially going to be sharing a life with him. Not in marriage or anything like that, but if things went well and they became a solid couple, it would be best if they both had a way to handle issues they both may have. For anxiety, letting the other know it was mainly not him doing anything to cause it would probably help in the long run and in turn perhaps better gear the other and himself to handle the issue in a fashion they could be at peace with the matter. It wouldn’t go away, but at least the moment would be less awkward and worrisome than what occurred now, but perhaps that was something to be addressed down the road. The demon would just have to see.

Either way the demon was very relieved for the matter to pass on smoothly enough even if it was questionable at first if it would. As that tense moment left the scene and a different one came in, Rika would let himself get wrapped in it for the moment. The kiss, the other’s response to him playing with his hair and neck area, all of it excited and filled the demon with a warmth he had not felt in a long time. He honestly didn’t want to end it, but there was need for a small pause just for rest sake and also because despite how he did not want it to interfere with things his anxiety did come to the front again in a different form.

As he pulled back, the other reacted seeming to become confused a bit as he pulled himself out of the moment. It was a natural thing and honestly it took Rika a moment to reorient himself with reality. As he was doing so, he took would blink sleepily as the other’s hands slide back to his waist. He didn’t pull away or resist the action as his own hands would slip off the other’s shoulders to come to a gentle rest upon his chest a position that was both comfortable and natural for Rika to rest his hands. As he did this, he would ask his question and wait patiently enough for a response, giving the guy the time needed to gather himself once more and speak.

To what he heard the demon would smile gently. “It is pretty dumb, but some don’t know control. Thankfully you seem to know though and you learn fast. That is impressive,” he would say quite amused. It was true a lot of it was common sense, but even common sense didn’t save ya a lot of times and the first few rounds could be rough. The reason he was good at it now was due to having experience under his belt, but he had to admit the first few rounds were less than smooth, so the fact this one had been quite enjoyable was indeed impressive. Made him wonder just what would happen if the guy got comfortable and better at it. It was an amusing thought, but one the demon put on the back burner as he watched the other quietly for a moment in a thoughtful fashion before he looked down and towards his hands, his eyes would auto scan the other's chest taking in the scars there as his smile faded a bit. He struggled a bit to find the right words to say because as the other had probably guessed, it was more than just a rest period and a simple question that had stopped the matter.

The demon would think a bit the side of his lip twitching a bit as a bit of discomfort came over him. He honestly didn’t want to rain on this moment, but some things were best addressed now...even if they weren’t the best topics. So taking a mental breath he would open his mouth and speak.

“I hate to interrupt this, but...I want to clear this before moving forward into a space that is way deeper than this. I know you want me to simply trust, but I…” he paused and trialed off for a bit as his hands instinctively tightened into fists against the other's chest. He hated this and hated himself for being this way. He was scared what this might do to this the fragile relationship as a million questions went through him and his anxiety ran high, but...he needed to get used to speaking up in these moments. Get used to being truly open with another and actually sharing his worries...even if it may seem dumb to do so. He couldn’t be afraid to be vunerable if he really wanted to trust the other.... otherwise, he might really break what might’ve been good. It took him a few seconds, but eventually he found his voice again as his eyebrows furrowed a bit as his expression became a bit pained. “As much as I like you...I am afraid that if...if we go further you might just leave me for whatever else is out there. I know it isn’t something that you would want to hear, especially on a first date. Kind of ruins the mood, but….even so...I...I think it best to say it now rather than wait until we are too far in, you know?” he would say, the discomfort clear in the lowness and hesitation of his voice and the way he kept his eyes focused on his hands and the guy’s chest rather than his face.

The demon’s tail would flick nervously as his wings remained folded downward, his body wound up with nerves as he unintentionally trembled a bit as he wrestled for control again. He didn’t like showing weakness like this, but he couldn’t lie. Couldn’t lie about his problems or who he was. It was dangerous to be vulnerable like this before the other and considering this was a first date with nothing guaranteed maybe even foolish. After all wasn’t it shit like this that drove people away rather than keep them by your side? The demon didn’t know the answer to that as he kept his gaze downcast and simply waited for what the other may do now that that goose was on the table.

Heh. Well, the two of them were somewhat different in that department, if nothing else. Of course, he did enjoy what happened in his own way, but compared to the other, he wasn’t swayed as easily as that. Despite the fact that it had been nice, he still felt at least mildly detached from the situation. Not necessarily in a bad way though, so perhaps it was just the way he was. Not that he would be able to explain it properly anyway, and it likely didn’t need to be worried about unless things became rather boring and started stacking on top of that. And maybe it was also a side-effect of them only having known each other for so long. After all, you can like someone a lot pretty quickly, but a real bond does that some time nevertheless. Even for people who claim love at first sight, it’s not instant. It’s really just them being hit with the infatuation hard at the beginning, while there’s no guarantee as to how long that blind lovey- dovey phase would last.

In any case, it would appear the switch would get flipped sooner or later, with them moving back towards conversation instead. Hmmm. He would half-shrug. ‘’Even if I didn’t care about control in any way, I don’t think I’d feel inclined to do something I know would disturb me were someone to do it on me. Pretty sure some of those things are ones no one would enjoy.’’ It doesn’t make much sense. Some people just don’t think though. They would go ahead and make their partner go eww, and then complain hard later if it ever happens to them instead. Not very bright. ‘’Either way, I don’t think it’s too hard to pick it up. There are harder things to learn.’’ That, and kissing is in part also about being a good fit with a person. Skill is one thing, but it isn’t end all either. If you and your partner can’t match up well, it will be hard one way or another. As for him getting better at it? Certainly possible, as there is always room for improvement, but it wasn’t something that was currently on his mind. He was doing good enough to not need to focus on that now, and perhaps it would just come along the way on its own if he happened to do the stuff often enough.
Speaking of stuff being done often, it appeared that heavy talks really enjoyed being put into that category. Such an odd thing, but maybe it was just meant to be? It was hard to say at the moment, just like it would be hard to tell whether it was a good or a bad thing. After all, there are only two ways to go about it. Tell early, or tell much later. Either of the two could cause problems and issues if handled incorrectly. Therefore, it was a lot about guessing in the end.

And so, he would kind of stick to blinking at first, choosing to wait until he had a better idea of what was happening this time around. It wouldn’t be the first time that the other seemed to get rather wound up over something that didn’t come across as a big deal in his opinion, so he would have to see first. And he sure would, his expression taking on a thin frown as he considered what was being said. Honestly, he had no real expectations on what would he like to hear on a first date and what he wouldn’t, so that part of it struck him a somewhat moot. The rest though…was a little trickier. Mainly because their outlooks on that were very different at base. Things like that…he didn’t really care. Not in that manner. Of course, he wouldn’t deny that things such as heartbreak existed, but his stance towards that was way more lenient than that. It was true that he wasn’t a huge fan of doing very intimate stuff with people at random, and would rather leave it for people he actually cared for. Yet, he was very much capable of doing it, were he to feel like it for whatever reason. And even if he went and did something like having sex with someone really early, and they left him soon after? He wouldn’t really be hurt by that a lot. Too early. He could like someone alright, but that in no way meant actual deep attachment to a person. And for as long as it was still somewhere on the surface layers, he would likely have very few problems with shrugging someone off. More like good riddance…? He didn’t think he needed another person badly enough to the point of being scared of being left alone every time he had a chance with someone. If they happened to be together for a while already, and he actually had stronger feelings for them? Yes, in that case it would hurt, and he wouldn’t like it at all. However, he still took it as something that could always happen, no matter how much the idea sucked. You simply cannot guarantee that someone will never leave your side. There are couples who break up after like 4 years of being together. The chance is always there. Going by that, one might as well avoid starting any relationship, because what if it fails later…? It can, no matter what gets said in the beginning. People change with time, and so can a relationship.

While he could kind of understand, it also struck him as a little self-defeating to be afraid of that. That kind of thinking basically means you can never really be in a relationship without being constantly scared and anxious? Because you simply cannot be 100% certain you won’t get tossed away at any point in time. Regardless of what your partner may claim to you. Circumstances could change within a few months, easy. All you can do is be willing to trust, and be ready to work on things whenever an issue pops up that could ruin stuff.

Honestly, he wanted to pull his hair, since the matter was a rather tough one to address. Alas, that wasn’t really an option. After a short while of thinking, he would sigh faintly, moving one of his hands up to trace his fingers over the demon’s wings lightly. ‘’What is it that makes you so scared…? You know…I can’t really promise you anything, no matter what I say. While I am not one to jump from one person to another for no reason, it’s still impossible to claim utter faithfulness like that. No one can give you that. There are couples who are together for over 3 years before one of them realizes they aren’t satisfied and want out. I don’t think it’s even appropriate to ask you to trust me. That is something you need to want to do yourself, though I think you first need to trust in yourself.’’ Frankly, he didn’t have much idea on what he was trying to say since his mind was all over the place, but perhaps something would come out of this. ‘’If you’re too obsessed with worrying that you may not be good enough for someone else, you never really will be. You’ll just hold yourself back. And being with someone is a risk in itself. Tell me this. Do you think you can really be happy in any relationship, if you keep being constantly afraid that you’ll get dumped? There is no way to make sure that never happens, so you can never put that away from the equation….’’ The only thing to do is to learn to deal with it. Having a partner is indeed a great thing, but at the end of the day, do you really need them that much? One can survive on their own as well if need be. It’s one of those things you need to be willing to gamble in if you want to have a chance at a reward…

Being detached. It was something Rika could do if he what he was had before him was just literally a fling or a one night thing; however, even if this was a first date, he considered the one with him in a different light. One that once he started to get attached became a dangerous thing, unlike the other he didn’t separate how he felt from the situation. Did this mean he wanted to jump the gun and make the other his forever, no. No. He wasn’t that daft or naive. He wasn’t in fairytale land and wasn’t in the boat of believing in happily ever afters all the time. He had enough unhappily ever afters to know how reality really worked. He wasn’t pessimistic about love. No he was actually more open than one would believe, but even so...hang ups from the past still lingered about and made him hesitate in a moment that probably would’ve been best left to go on without question, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t bring himself to lie about how he felt or who he was. He knew how it would look on the surface, but….this was just how he was. He needed work and was honestly working on getting better on his time, but until he could become stable again….He kind of needed someone that understood this aspect of him and could accept it. He couldn’t control when an attack may or may not happen, they just occurred triggered by various things. Even so he tried to his hardest to face the attacks figure them out and settle them...and for the most part he did pretty well, but sometimes….sometimes he didn’t do so well containing them. Like now….the attack he was having was so bad that it actually interfered with things and made him scared to move on. He wanted to kick himself for it and even go through the floor when he opened his mouth and said what he said.

It was a miserable state to be in and even worse when it could be impacting the other too in a bad way. He wish this wasn’t so that he was more confident and sure of things than always so uncertain, but here they were...at a very unpleasant point that had to be contended with.

Before the full break, Rika would nod at the other’s words as he spoke. “Indeed. I can’t argue with that logic there,” the demon would say. It was true. It was best not to do unto others what you did not want done to you. As for that next part, the demon would give an amused smirk. “Indeed there are more challenging things, but I wonder if you won’t master those things too with relative ease.” He would poke a bit at the other, but at the end of the day it was just that for now. Maybe if things went well and they got further than this kissing stage then the words could indeed be tested out; however, as things took a turn for some darker waters, one had to wonder what would come out of it all at the end.

One thing Rika appreciated was the fact the guy actually let him talk. He didn’t interupt him or try to speak within the gaps where he hesitated. He let him get the thing that bothered him out and lay on the chopping board. It was hard, but he did it anyway and let himself be bare before the other as he waited for whatever was to come, his mind coming up with various bad ways this could turn out. He knew what he was saying could make him come off as clingy when in reality he wasn’t. If the other up and left him right this instance, Rika wouldn’t stop him or cry for him to come back. He would just accept the fact that it just wasn’t meant to be….and just deal with picking himself up afterwards. Unlike the other it wasn’t so easy for him to brush things off. Even if it was a like, if it was strong like this when things feel apart he took a moment to recover because he did invest true emotions in the matter and even at this point where there was not a huge amount invested, it was still enough to scare him and make him hesitated. He knew nothing was guaranteed, even less at this level, but still…

Staying quiet for the time being, he would listen to the deafening silence as internally, he stuggled with himself. When the other sighed a bit and made his move the demon would flinch a tiny bit, but made no move to resist it as he felt the gentle touch. Unconsciously, he would shift his wings a bit causing them open a bit as if inviting the other to touch them more. It was odd, but even in this situation the demon didn’t seem to mind the touch and actually welcomed it quite a bit despite how distraught he was.

And when he heard what the other had to say? Well…

He was quiet for a moment as he thought about what the other said, but then even though he was a bit hesitant he would speak. “I know...I know it can fall apart and at any time in the game, I can get kicked still. Even at this stage, I am scared to forward because...I honestly don’t want the pain again. I don’t want the pain, but know its possibility because I don’t want to be myself either. I want a partner, but am afraid to have one because well...of this mainly. This right here, me worrying about worrying and hesitating where I shouldn’t and generally making a mess of things because in the end I am a mess myself,” he would glance up briefly giving the other a weak smile before he was looking away again. “A lot of it is me really. I want to trust and move forward...I really do, but at the same time, I am terrified to do it. As confident as I can be, I do not know how not to worry. To relax and just go with it. I get tangled up in the emotions and don’t know what to do. I know you can’t tell me what to do or promise anything. I know this. I do and yet here we are...at this nonsensical frustrating point….that I honestly wish was not a thing….” he would say as he shook his head, his voice a bit shaky almost as if he was going to cry, but he didn’t as he fell silent for a moment as he leaned slightly forward resting his head against the other’s chest as he kept his eyes looked at the ground between them. His ears would shift slightly as they picked up the last bit of the conversation.

The demon would close his eyes at that one as he shook his head a bit.

“Yeah...I know….I know it will make me miserable and keep me miserable and yet...I can’t stop it either. It’s been awhile since I’ve come down this path and I honestly just want to take the leap, but the anxiety it cause is a bit much sometimes. I don’t want to hold back and yet…” he would take a shaky breath in and before letting out again. “This happens….” he would finish flatly having no way to clearly explain what was happening upstairs. It was honestly a mess and a lot more complicated than just him feeling like he was worthless or not worthy of love. No...that wasn’t the issue at all. He believed deserved, love it was just the trusting thing that was so damn hard. He wanted to, but every time he tried to let go the anxiety would start….”No….I would not be happy in a relationship with that constantly on my mind. Nor would I think you would be happy with either. I won’t lie….even if I try...trust is a bit hard for me to just do again…” It was probably confusing as hell considering what had happened. Did this mean he did not want what happened before to happen? No he had waned that more than one could imagine, but even so, he still had chains he wore on him from the past. Chains he was working to break, but it wasn’t that easy. Just as it wasn’t easy to explain. He just hoped that despite how bad that explanation was that the other could understand him….and wouldn’t just be like nope bye because of this.

Rika would fall silent after that he remained with his head leaned against the other’s chest for the moment uncertain what to do with himself or whatever hellish pit he had opened form it. God...why did this have to happen? Why was he such a mess and just couldn’t let shit go? Why?

He would just hum faintly at the comments he received in return. ‘’Who knows. Learning is never a bad thing.’’ Whatever it was, as long as you didn’t hate that particular thing. Picking things up was something he found relatively easy, unless it was one he was really horrible at period. Plus, a lot of stuff relied on creativity as well, not just pure skill and knowledge, which certainly helped at times. One way or another though, if he was interested in something, he would make sure he’d figure out how to do it well. Sooner or later. Can’t keep being an useless amateur in something you will likely do more often, right?

…albeit talking about deep feelsy stuff was one area where he would probably always fumble to an extent, no matter how much experience he happened to gain in it. Just one of those things that would always feel like doing something against the grain, no matter what. He could manage to do it alright, but it was in no way easy or natural for him. Ironically enough, he still somehow ended up having a decent amount of people using him as a soundboard for their problems. Was it something he did? That was one thing he would probably never figure out. He never made a point of trying to be a magnet for these things, and yet it kept happening time and time again, whether the gaps in between the occasions were small or long.

It was however a fact that it did happen, and he was honestly not sure how he felt about that. On one hand, it could be highly bothersome. On the other, there was the question of what was better, knowing about such or being left in the dark? Sometimes, he really couldn’t decide. That said, he would indeed not attempt to interrupt the other, for it would help the matter none. It was always very possible to miss the point, and speaking up too early only increases the chances of that happening. He didn’t quite want to take that risk if he didn’t have to. Regardless, he would more or less keep doing what he was doing with his hands, his brows furrowed as he tried to process all that was being tossed at him.

This was hard. He kind of knew what he thought about this, but finding the right way to approach the subject was not as simple as that. If he put it the wrong way, the demon could very easily assume things that he didn’t really mean by it. Then again, that part was always the hardest for him. He tried to be helpful in his own way, but sometimes stating things in a less optimistic way and all that could come off as if he either didn’t care a lot, or was in fact trying to discourage the person. It could really sound that way sometimes, since he typically did not veer away from bringing up points that might suggest a path that goes in the opposite direction of what one might want. However, was that bad? Technically, what he presented were only options, and it was up to the one listening to decide what they believed in the most. He wasn’t in charge of anyone’s life, no matter how much advice he attempted to give them.


This was mildly frustrating. He didn’t know what should he really say. Well, might as well just speak his mind honestly, but that could turn out to go places. Sigh. He would take a deep breath before speaking up again.

‘’…you say you don’t want it to happen again. That means you have done it once before, am I right? Which must mean you are capable of it. To be honest, trust cannot really exist without pain. Only a very lucky person will never get even a little hurt when putting trust in people. It’s something one needs to be willing to accept thoroughly before they can be close to others naturally.’’, he would shake his head slightly. ‘’I’m not going to say I’m a relationships expert, because I really cannot. However, based on what you’re telling me, I’d wager that the problem may be that you aren’t really ready to do it again yet. Getting back up from being hurt takes time, and if you’re still unable to let go of it, then perhaps you might need to think about why you’re doing what you’re doing. I…can’t be completely certain on this, but what you’re doing kind of reminds me of the case where a person gets dropped by someone, but despite hurting, they still try to seek out someone to replace what they had because they would feel better knowing that perhaps someone does actually care for them. I don’t know how much of that can apply to you or what exactly happened in the past that made you feel this way, but what I can say is, that forcing yourself won’t make you happy.’’ That just wasn’t right, was it?

‘’I won’t tell you what to do, since your life and path is yours to decide. However, maybe you need to think hard on what you truly want. You claim you ‘want’ a partner, but for what reason, really? If you were genuinely ready for that kind of commitment, would you be having so much trouble with it?’’ If it was going to just be constant struggle for the guy, should he really be pursuing a relationship right now? When one is unable to trust another, then there may be some things that need to be addressed before they rush into that big steady relationship target. He would sigh slightly, taking a few steps back from the demon.

“No it is not a bad thing at all,” the demon would respond back calmly enough, his relaxed demeanor still there at that point. He could agree that learning was indeed a great thing and practicing to become better at something that was interesting and enjoyable was never a waste of time in the demon’s book; however, it would seem that no matter how good he was in one department, there was always gonna be one where he failed horribly.

In this case, it was trying to explain what he felt and not come off as weak as he sound. Did he enjoy tossing his problems at others? No. In fact, if one observed him carefully it was quite clear that he hated being the culprit of bringing good things crashing down. He hate it because while it was already a strain on him, he handled it enough that he found ways to just somewhat deal with it, but the other party? The other party might not be able to do the same. While it could not be seen on the surface or even found in his words when he got like this, the demon was painfully aware of how he could come off with his words. He could sound desperate, clingy, like a baby plus an array of many other things depending on the situation. He could seem like the most unstable person ever that was simply giving up and not doing anything about it and waiting for someone else to save him from his misery; however, the demon wasn’t quite like that at all. As would be shown by what happened next.

As the demon stayed in the other’s arms, he was still thoroughly upset not with the other, but rather himself for this anxiety that he couldn’t quite handle when it first began and to be honest he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get a handle on it fully, but he kept trying as he kept his head leaned against the other’s chest as his wings opened a bit more relaxing a bit within the strokes the other was other was doing. While he didn’t make any sounds or anything, it was apparent that messing with his wings was something the demon actually liked if you did it right, which the taller male did get a bit lucky about and do right. While it didn’t calm him down fully, the demon was beginning to relax a bit underneath it all the touch much more powerful than one could imagine for someone like him.

Keeping quiet, the demon would listen to the other a small nod coming from him when the other questioned him about previous heart break. Yes. He had indeed had his heart broken once before, the one who did leaving behind scars on him that probably contributed to the way he was now. Even so….the other was only partially right in what he was saying; however, the demon would keep quiet as he decided to wait for the other to finish as he body sightly relaxed under the petting. He would listen and take it all in and when the other moved away?

The demon would wince slightly, but he didn’t try to go back to him immediately like the desperate would. No he took the move as he listened to the rest of what was said until the other was finished. When the guy became quite Rika would keep his head bowed as his eyes stared at the ground for a moment. His expression was still held signs of distress due to the frown he wore as he thought and tried to figure a way to word what he wanted to say. When he thought he was ready, his left hand would slide up his right arm a bit before settling there as he spoke.

“I am not surprised at this reaction and to be honest I would be even less surprised if you threw in the towel right now and walked away. You say that you can break me if I don’t stand firm and doubt, well I can say the same for myself too. I can and will break you if you can’t accept me as I am,” he would begin his voice surprisingly calm as paused for a minute to take a breath to steady himself before he let it out and this time around actually looked up at the other. “I’ll be honest with you with you. I am not a 100% stable so to speak. I do have a ton of shit like you wouldn’t believe that comes with me. I am going to have anxiety attacks and I may fall apart now here and there. I have a lot work to do on myself before I am fully healed both from the heart break from years ago and current issues I now have. I understand what I seek requires me to trust and I know pain will be there, I am not trying to run from that. Not all,” he shook his head a bit before continuing. “My words while all over place and such are not meant to make you feel like i am stuck in a hole, trying to use you to fill in a hole of some sort due to heart break, or even imply I am trying to judge you by the past. That was not my intention with that despite how it sounded. I know you are not that person from back there. You’re you and I honestly want to know you better, Sharaku. As for what I want, I know what I want. I want a steady relationship where I can trust again and in turn can be trusted. I want this anxiety problem to become manageable and am steps to get it that way….” He really was that was no lie. He was pretty tired of the constant battles and so made efforts to get it squared on his end. However…”You asked if I was prepared for such a commitment as being with another and if so would I have these issues and my answer for that is I honestly don’t know. I can’t see all the paths, but what I do know is that my issues are going to be there. It is going to take a while before things are right again, but even so I don’t want to sit and wait to be completely healed. If I did that, I don’t think I would ever truly live or recover like I should. I want to move forward and I would like it if you were there too; however, I understand if you don’t want this. For I am asking you to take me in as I am aware, I am going to doubt and probably break here and there. I am not asking you to carry me through the storm. I am asking you to walk with me through it.”

The demon would become silent after that as red orbs watched the other to see what he would do. He could not force anyone to stay with him. Didn’t want to, but he hoped that by what he said the other would understand him a bit better. He was being quite honest here and perhaps in his own way trying to trust. This was a subject he wouldn’t lay before just anyone and while Sharaku was probably not the best in the comfort and such department, the demon decided to be vulnerable to see if he could trust him to with himself. He knew what he was, but would the other be able to accept it and move along a path with him or would he rebel against the idea and turn away? Either way, the demon was as prepared as he was going to be for whatever came his way from this.

Well, this would certainly prove to not be very easy. That much could be said for sure. Regardless, there wasn’t much he would do outside of his original actions other than watch the demon. After all, whatever would come, would. He couldn’t really stop things ahead of time, even if he had an idea as to how would they turn out to be before they did. Once the other did speak, he would initially raise an eyebrow slightly at the first statement. ‘’How would you, really? If I chose to simply not accept, I’d most likely not even hang around you much at all.’’ There’s not much point in sticking around someone a lot when you know you aren’t comfortable enough around them for whatever reason, and are pretty sure of that fact. If he opted to not really invest into this because he didn’t want to handle all the stuff, how would the guy go about breaking him? Unless he’d get straight out attacked or something, but that would be a rather low blow to pull. Because really, if he found out he wasn’t willing to accept what was, then he wouldn’t keep playing the game and pretending it was all going just as planned. Doing that was a rather dangerous move after all.

As for the rest of what was said though….

Honestly, it was mildly confusing for one. It was hard to decide what to actually think when one moment the guy seemed like he was about to cry out of depression, and next he was asking to be seen a completely different way. What was he meant to choose? It’s not like he could react the same in the face of both scenarios, or could he? On top of that little tangle up, things were being a bit more serious than he would normally like. Oh yes, he usually liked honesty alright, but this was like being asked to swallow an apple whole or something. It’s not easy to just go ‘oh cool, be however you like, I’ll be chill with anything : )’, because some things are simply not that simple to accept only because one is being asked to. He couldn’t know whether he would stand to gain anything from going through with it, and with how complicated it was already, wouldn’t both of them just get hurt pretty badly if it blew hard later? And it was tricky for a few reasons, really. While he did sort of like the demon more than most random people he happened to bump into, it wasn’t quite at the level the other was claiming to feel for him. He needed way more time than that to be sure of whether he actually liked a person enough to put a hand in fire for them. Technically speaking, he did not trust easily either. He just took it as a simple fact though. It wasn’t really a result of any past issues in his case. Not letting go at random was how he normally was and has always been, and that was something that wouldn’t change easily. He didn’t even really want it to. He was quite capable of testing the waters and being more or less lenient even when he didn’t fully trust a person yet. He didn’t need to just to be able to step forward, though things were sure to get a lot simpler when he did. All in due time, however.

What to do…

He would click his tongue slightly as he kind of studied the paint on his nails in thought for a moment. ‘’Then I hope you’re also ready to be okay with the fact that you’re choosing a not so easy path to walk by sticking to someone like me. I don’t run from things I’ve started unless there is no other way, but I can tell you this. I don’t pride myself on trusting easily either. Therefore if you cannot trust me, and it keeps showing, then I cannot guarantee I will be willing to completely trust you on everything either. Admittedly, I have no problem doing a lot of things without even trusting a person, but I figure it’s best if you know, as much as it may not be apparent all the time.’’ He did have his moments of cautiousness of course, but he could go out of his way despite not trusting 100% surprisingly often. Of course though, there were indeed things he would not do for a person he wasn’t close enough with yet, but the finding where the line truly was could in fact prove to be hard unless they knew him well. Which they obviously didn’t if they needed to figure out such things. That said, he would give the guy a somewhat wry smile.

It was hard to say whether what Rika did was a good thing or bad thing in this case. Was it too soon to bring this matter to the front and ask the other what he did when they didn’t really know each other and in turn maybe weren’t even sure they were compatible or not? Would it have made a difference if it came up later on when it was certain they were solid? It was hard to say which way was better. Keep away who you are until later or just be straightforward and let the other know what they may have to deal with. It was indeed a tricky matter and one that the demon couldn’t quite settle within. He had problems and instead of letting something random pop up, he had decided to be up front about the issues right off the bat to see if the other would indeed nope him. Many would...after all this outing as a whole hadn’t been completely smooth. There had been moments they had clashed or rather questionable situations occurred and now this on top of that? One had to wonder where it with go.

He did make a mess of things, but at the same time as much as he hated this. The demon did not back away from what was happening. He remained where he was watching the other with an expression that calm, but held a lot of conflict within the eyes. He did not want to chase the guy away, but honestly he could not pretend these things did not exist within him and so here they were….

As the other reacted to his first comment the demon would watch him for a bit as his tail flicked a bit brushing along the ground as he gave a shrugged a bit at that one before answering. “I honestly can’t harm or break what runs away from me. I suppose in that case you’d be quite safe and could just move to better waters and I’d just have to deal with me in the end.” The demon’s words were calm and matter of fact. He couldn’t hurt the guy if he walked away or even didn’t care enough to consider what such an action would actually do to the demon. While he wasn’t 100% clear on the matter since he really didn’t know the other well, but if he had to make a guess from what he observed and such then perhaps maybe he was more invested in this from the get go than the other was. It would honestly be no surprise considering the way Rika was. He really wanted the other, but just kept screwing up on showing it.

As for what followed, well yes. It was confusing because when Rika’s anxiety ran high, he honestly did want to cry. Cry because he was so frustrated and tired of it always screwing things up and miserable because he was painfully aware that this sort of stuff actually broke relationships whether it came up now or later. It was a miserable place to be in, even more so when in the end he was alone with it. It hurt all over to be honest and one would think because of this the demon was self-centered and looking for pity, but in reality he wasn’t. Yes, he cared that hurt him, but more than that he was more concerned about the other party that would potentially have to contend with this side of him. And perhaps it was this concern that caused him to lay things out like he did before the other to give him a chance to back out if he wished...even if he was terrified of the consequences that could occur from it.

To what he heard, the demon would nod. “I understand and accept that,” he would say. He didn’t expect the path to be easy and knew that after this getting the other to trust him was going to take a bit more work, but he was willing to at least try and pick up the piece and place things hopefully back together and who knew maybe at the end of it all, everything would be okay. It was hard to say, but maybe there was some hope in the matter. Despite everything, the other was willing to try at least something that somewhat shocked the demon out of his depressed state as he saw the smile given and tilted his head a bit at what he heard. For a moment he would just absorb it all and then seeming to relax a bit the demon would smile slightly at the other as his hand unconsciously went to his left ear as he begin to rub it lightly as he spoke.

“I can’t guarantee if you’ll find what you want in me. Just as I can’t guarantee something like this won’t crop up again. Even so, I would like to try and walk with you and figure this figure this thing out together.”

The demon couldn’t mold himself into this perfect thing that someone wanted. He never could and did not want to. He understood he had things about himself he needed to fix and while he did ask the other to walk through the storm with him, he did not expect him to swallow this whole matter in one go. He did not think that fair. Still he needed to know...Know if the other was willing to walk with him despite it all and if he was understanding what he heard right then the other was willing to give it him a chance….and honestly Rika couldn’t have been happier with that. It certainly made it a bit easier to breathe knowing that and perhaps this would make it tad easier to move forward though the demon was sure there were other things that needed to be tackled before things would perhaps clear up even more.

‘’So you would.’’ He wouldn’t lie about that. While he wouldn’t call it running away since he typically didn’t see himself as a coward, he sure saw little point in enduring company when one knew it was very unlikely to get any better than it was. He was capable of caring about people, yes, but it wasn’t something that came easy for him. In majority of cases, he would rather keep his own well-being in check instead of someone else’s. Unless they were truly worth his effort, he could indeed be rather cold about deciding how to treat someone when they were being too much to handle. What point was there in depressing yourself over someone else’s problems when they weren’t someone you cared about greatly? He wasn’t one of those people who couldn’t stop being a goody-two shoes even when they were obviously over-expending themselves to make others feel happy. Some people would call it being selfish. He’d just say that one can’t survive by always appeasing others. It could destroy you.

As for the rest…well, maybe the guy wasn’t trying to look for pity, but what did he really expect people to have running through their minds when they were face to face with someone who was almost bursting in tears and complaining about how they really wanted a relationship, but it was so so hard? No real offense, but it could really come off as some sort of guilt tripping, even if truly unintended. Most people would likely be inclined to at the very least feel bad about possibly hurting the person by rejecting them and all that. It’s technically a natural reaction, unless you’re enough of an uncaring ass that it wouldn’t mean a thing to you at the end of the day. How does one really react to that? Say no, break things off and then spend a good chunk of time worrying that you may have hurt the person pretty badly by reacting that way? Or give in and then contemplate whether that was the right decision to make for your own sake? Neither was an easy pick, not matter what angle were on to view the matter from. Honestly, he didn’t know either. He was rather uncertain about whether this could work out, since so far, they frankly ran into more trouble than chill times, and that alone wasn’t shaping up for the best early impression of it all. And unfortunately for him, he didn’t have some heavy crush on the other that would make him wear imaginary pink glasses and be able to just sweep the bad things away for the time being. It was a rather frustrating field, in all honesty.

He was kind of..just tired at that moment in time. Even if they did temporarily agree on things, the problems still clearly hung somewhere in the air, and while he wasn’t even trying to overthink the matter, he simply didn’t think he could relax like this. It was a little bit too hard, when considering what all was at stake here. The other may have felt better after hearing what was said, but did he as well? He didn’t know. But he kind of wanted to say he didn’t for real. While he could be more or less flexible with things, and did his best to not just dismiss matters right off the bat, he couldn’t just deny that he didn’t…exactly like this? Yeah, nobody’s perfect alright, but possibly very damaging flaws can’t really be excused by saying that after all. Maybe the problem was that after all this, he kind of couldn’t come up with any solid reason as to why staying would be beneficial? Most of what happened up till now involved some sort of snag, or something sour to swallow, so where was the actual pleasant part of the whole to balance it all out? He would probably only go bonkers if his main purpose would end up being keeping tabs on the other’s state of mind.

It was just…why, really? The demon claimed that he likely wouldn’t be able to get rid of his issues on his own, but saddling potential partners with your burdens because you don’t think you can pick yourself up without help is a little…rude? He felt like it was also a very good recipe for getting hurt again, because the majority would likely break under that pressure and just leave the guy, making the cycle repeat over and over again. That’s not really how you ‘fix’ your problems, but what did he know? A bit of support can do well, but no one should feel like they have to carry a good chunk of the mountain themselves if they want to be able to walk with you. It’s rather self-defeating when you put someone in that spot because you believe that’s how you will get better. There has to be a way that doesn’t involve depending on others that much, doesn’t there…? Or just, something.


One thing was for sure, he was definitely feeling at least mildly tense at the moment. Plus, there was no denying the fact that Rika sure managed to kill the mood quite effectively by this conversation as it progressed. Which was really no surprise, considering what it was about. Where would they go from there…?

The demon would hear the short comment he got back in for his first set of words and would give only a light nod in return. There was nothing else to say on the matter that hadn’t already been said. If the other sought to leave him because of this, he would simply have endure the issue on his own. While it was true he wouldn’t necessarily throw himself out their for just anyone, it was also true that unlike the other his concept on people was a bit different. He was a bit more attached to people and when he really liked another he did cast small hooks into them and attached. Not to the point where if it fell apart in the beginning it would be hard to move on, but he invested enough of himself in it that the backpedaling and rejection still hurt and took him a moment to recover from. Unlike the other he’d feel real pain from this short time frame if it did just end here. Even so he had taken the risk and now dealt with the aftermath...which was not exactly pretty, but not as bad as it could’ve been either.

The other could’ve rejected him, yelled at him and did other very unpleasant things for what he had done. The demon felt that maybe he was becoming more problematic than the other had bargained for. Sure, there were points in this whole event where they could indeed get along well enough and signs of something perhaps more were in view; however, when things like this kept coming up and a bit too frequently one had to wonder if this could work at all. Even though the other didn’t say much, Rika could sense he was stressing him out and honestly felt even worse for bring this up now, but it was what it was and so Rika faced the ugly reality and dealt with it the best way he could. Was there any hope here even if their were temporary agreements made? It was unclear if there was any at all, the ground still unsteady between them as they stood in silence for a bit.

It was true the demon felt a tad bit better getting what was there out in the open, but did that mean he was completely okay with what had happened. No. No he was not okay with what was happening. He knew what he had done was a damaging blow and probably made the other step back even further than he would’ve liked him too, but at the same time the demon wouldn’t be surprised if the other hesitated even more now. After all...he wasn’t coming off as very pleasant now was he? There was more bad about him than anything right now, so what reason did the other have to stick around. He knew he could be frustrating to handle and perhaps even repulsive to some, but despite his flaws he wasn’t always that bad. He honestly could be fun if given a chance to prove that, but in the end he honestly didn’t know if the other would give him that chance. Sure, he said he would try, but what did that truly mean in the end? The demon didn’t know and the way his mind worked at the moment nothing positive was coming out of the scenarios brewing there.

Though of all things there, the one thing the other probably misunderstood most was the reason why Rika had done what he did. Yes, he had told him how he felt and showed his weaker side, but when he asked him to walk through the storm with him, he was not asking him to do much more than to be there for him. He was not asking to be carried or for the other to take on the task of carrying a huge portion the cross he bared. No. He would deal with his shit on his own and honestly was working to set up appointments with a therapist for his issue. He did not want his potential partner to carry him all the way. He knew without a doubt that was a disaster for himself and also an unnecessary strain on the other side. No what he was asking was for the guy to understand that he had this issue and he would not always be a bundle of confidence. He had his faults, but when he did fall he was asking the other to just be there until he could pick himself up again. He wasn’t demanding therapy or anything like that, but rather just someone to lean on for a bit. Someone who would hug him and if need be maybe just listen to him when he did have his moments. He would pick himself up again...he just needed someone to give him a chance and trust that despite how ugly it looked on the surface that he was trying….he just didn’t bounce back to his feet as easily as some and needed.

It was a very simple thing he desired in these moments and one that the other had unintentionally been doing when he had been holding him and stroking his wings earlier, but even if this was a simple request from the demon, he knew the other would have to be willing to stand around his bad moments….and if the other side wasn’t willing to do that then it would indeed be tough. So despite how selfish he appeared to be by throwing this out there, he was actually more considerate and concerned about the other than one could imagine. He just didn’t know how to really show this for as much as talking is nice, he didn’t think it would work this time around. It really did hurt, but….he had try.

And try he would as he heard the other speak, he would nod at the words spoken as he shifted in his spot and managed to force his feet to move towards the bench that was in the area. He would sit on one end of it with a sigh as he wrapped his tail around his for now and leaned forward a bit resting his arms on his knees as his mind whirled a bit. It was all over the place, but he needed to do something to about this…

“Fair enough and honestly if you were showing any form of pleasure or anything that suggest you were shrugging this whole mess off I would begin to truly wonder about you. I don’t think anyone would be pleased with getting this thrown upon them…” He knew he wasn’t pleased throwing it on the other. “What I ask...is not easy to swallow I know... and honestly I am not quite sure what can be done to turn this around and make it better. So if we are really going to try to move forward together here, then there is one thing I do need you to do. I need you talk to me here. I understand that I have upset you, but that tells me nothing of what you actually think on this matter. I won’t drag it out of you if you don’t want to speak on it. We can even save it for later if you think it’s better... but I think maybe open communication is a way to find solutions to the problem at hand...I guess the when or if you even want to go there now or later is the question. I need a bit of guidance here ‘cause I have a feeling if I keep trying to do things without understanding I may just make this worse...and I honestly would hate for that happen...or leave it at this...”

The demon would watch the other most of time he spoke, but by the end of it all he was looking away and focusing on the ground, trying to calm down and just not hate himself so much for doing this. It was taking a lot of effort, but...he was trying in his own way to get himself back up again….and at least attempt to fix this or find some step they could take towards a better path. Recovery was always a bitch….

Well, it wasn’t necessarily that he misunderstood the situation. It was just that in his book, being someone’s emotional support as well as basically being aware how they guy felt about this all the time was already a pretty big deal. Doing some hugging and all that might seem like an easy task to do, but he wasn’t exactly one of those people that found it super easy to do so. Yes, sometimes it appeared that he did it pretty well, but despite that, he found it rather awkward even if some of the moments didn’t happen to inspire anything else. One way or another, it wasn’t really something he would consider himself very skilled at, plus while the guy might not ask for more than that, it was a fact that he would feel even more awkward to just stand there and do nothing else. It wasn’t like him to be staring down a problem and not actually doing anything solid to solve it. That alone would be a tough habit to just ignore, and if he didn’t, they’d have unpleasant conversations a lot or well….anything of that kind.

Of course, there were more reasons for his dislike of the situation he was being put into, but at the end of the day, the supposed ‘simplicity’ of what was being asked of him didn’t make things a lot better. Not in his case. In fact, maybe he would rather be doing something more tangible about this, but to be honest, the demon didn’t even hint at how it would go down? He couldn’t know what the guy was planning to do about it if he wasn’t told, so it’s not like it could be much of a surprise if he misunderstood certain things. ‘Walk through it with me’ explains more or less nothing, because it could be pointing at just about any kind of approach that involved him doing something.

Speaking of doing things, he would pause his own internal pondering for a moment as he noticed the guy moving over to sit down. He could have followed, but he was currently feeling a bit too restless for that. He’d rather stand for the time being, so that he could move better. It felt a bit better that way, mainly when he was feeling frustrated for whatever reason, kind of like now. Sitting down and being passive wouldn’t help it go away.


Sigh. What could he really say? He knew what was up alright, but he felt that if he told the guy, the atmosphere would just sink in a different way. Some things aren’t that easy to turn around for the better even when you know their cause. Still, what other choices did he even have? Moving a hand through his hair in mild exasperation, he would finally make a move to get closer, though he would kind of just settle at pacing back and forth in front of said bench. It helped him think a bit, as much as he didn’t think he would magically come up with an end all solution to this mess.


Things were far too complicated to just fix quickly, and whether the chance of success would be much higher over time was a question he didn’t have a solid answer to.

‘’I don’t think it’s just you. I simply hate the whole situation in general. I may not know what it’s like to get hurt by someone I’ve tried to date, but I never really cared about that whole aspect a lot. What this does remind me of though, is the reason why I usually can’t stand most people. I’ve dealt with these kinds of situations way too often for comfort already, and I don’t have it in me to feel okay about this.’’ He would shrug lightly. ‘’I’ve never been very close to many people. Most so called ‘friends’ were only in it for their own benefit. They would only call me their friend if I did their homework for school for them, or anything like that. I think most of them just thought I was good to have around because they believed I was smart, and I usually am good at helping people see things they themselves don’t in their actions. It’s always been that way though. I don’t think I can legitimately remember one person who really stuck around me just because they liked me. It’s always because I could help them with something.’’ And there was not much he could have done. Especially in cases like with classmates. Yeah, fight them alright. And then proceed to deal with vindictive, rude and upset kids at your ass for the rest of your days. How about no. It worked with people who he could just choose to not really meet up with anymore, but not those he was more or less stuck interacting with fairly often. That didn’t mean he didn’t hate it though.

It would seem that the two males had a differences of views once again. While Rika was all behind solving problems, he was also in the boat that sometimes things didn’t really have a solution and the only thing left to do is adapt the issue and find other means to handle it. You could indeed solve some issues through action, but what Rika had? No. It was no telling if it would ever go away completely or if it was one of those things that stuck forever with someone. What the demon did know is that he had the issue and all he could do is seek out the tools needed to manage it better so it wasn’t so invasive and disruptive like it had been now. He sought professionals for that and for his partner in life? All he wanted was acceptance and understanding from the other. Things he could not get right away without work first and something he may have lost a chance the moment he opened his mouth and let this beast fly out.

He had no way of knowing what this would do to them….and honestly had no plan of recovery from it. Couldn’t really plan for it all honesty, so he took all that came as much he could standing, but in time it wore him down to the point he needed to sit down lest he collapse. Sitting down had this weird effect of grounding him and in turn calming him enough to think more or less straight again. The action helped a bit here. Sure it didn’t make all his thoughts settle down, but at least by sitting some of the strain from standing was taken off of him and he was now in a position where he could breathe again and perhaps find a way to handle this shit storm he had caused.

As he sat on the bench, he would remain leaning forward with his eyes downcast, his ears folded down and his wings rather limp against his back. His body language showed clearly the strain upon himself this was causing, but he didn’t run from the monster. He faced it more or less as his hands moved closer together as he began to fidget a bit, his fingers moving around each other in a fashion that suggested high nerves or in his case anxiety, but even with it there, he remained listening first to the silence around him and then too the footsteps of the other. At first he thought he was walking away, but then the other came within his peripheral view. Not expecting that, the demon blinked a bit as his hands became still and his head lifted a bit to look at the other who was pacing before him.

To his first words Rika flinched slightly as he frown a bit uncomfortably at that one. It was hard to swallow that, but somehow the demon managed after a few seconds.

“Yeah,” he’d managed to get the word out even if was strained and couldn’t go above a whisper at this point. It was hard admiting it out loud and it killed him to do so, but he did agree that this was no easy fix and maybe time couldn’t even save them this round. He might’ve honestly fucked up in a way he feared he would. It would suck if that came out to be true, but he wouldn’t hold against the guy if it did fall apart….it would be his fault to begin with and he would have to live with that mistake.

That aside though, things would flow on the demon becoming quiet as he listened to what the other had to say. As he listened the demon would lower his eyes as he took into consideration what the other was saying, but he would not speak until the other became quiet again. When the other did fall silent, the demon would close his eyes for a bit trying to a think of a way to word this without making it worse, but in the end no matter which way he turned it, there was no smooth way to place this rather tricky subject. He just had to be honest and pray the other wouldn’t take it all the wrong way. Taking a deep breath, he would reopen his eyes and began to speak.

“I….wasn’t trying to make you feel that way or make think I was demanding something like what you speak of. I admit what I said sounds rather desperate and demanding and maybe...maybe some of it is, but not in the way you think. I am not seeking to use you at all. In fact, I much rather avoid that as much as possible. I handle the weight of my own crosses alone. I do need work, but that is why I am seeking professional help to try and get it back under control. All I need really is someone that can accept me just as I am right now and just hold on a bit through the rough times. I am not demanding you do this right away. I can’t do that because like you said you don’t know me and I honestly don’t really know you...even so. I did not want to lie about who I was….or how I can be. I can’t say what will happen or guarantee anything. I can’t see the future and as much as I would like to think I know myself, I can’t tell what the future me may do due to some circumstances. I have nothing here to convince you to stay or even take a gamble with me. All I can do is try and work things out with, but in the end you have to decide for yourself what you want to do with me at this point….” Yes they had made temporary peace a while ago, but that wouldn’t be enough to fix what was happening here, now would it? It made one wonder if anything could be resolved this go…..

And when didn’t they? Their differences in thinking could indeed be vast at times, but perhaps that wasn’t so surprising. They were two different people after all. No two beings think exactly alike, and it’s just a matter of luck as to how similar or different two people that meet happen to be. The two of them seemed to have pretty clashing ideas about what worked and what didn’t at time, and that could perhaps spell their undoing. But it could also make the relationship interesting enough for them to continue if played the right way. Which….wasn’t really the case at the current moment, but this one situation hopefully wouldn’t be the one to call the final verdict. If it did, it would probably spell doom for them, rather than anything else. Really though, while acceptance and understanding was definitely the barebones of a good relationship, if one truly intended to walk hand in hand with someone, the person in question probably deserved to be included more than that. In some way, at the very least, depending on the circumstances given.

It was so hard to think about this though. There was too much to think about in a rather short span of time, which made it a rather difficult task to accomplish properly. And the development of it all didn’t help it a great deal at the slightest. He didn’t think this was helping, and besides, he knew he couldn’t change what was by complaining about it. As much as it would be beautiful if things could be fixed as easily as that. One can keep dreaming though. He would just pinch the bridge of his nose for a moment as he stopped moving around for a short while. He was half-listening to what the demon was saying, but his mind kept trying to run into different directions, making it all harder than it needed to be. Sometimes he hated having to process way too much data in one go. It wasn’t just what was being said, even though that alone was a lot of new information, but also the fact that his mind tended to automatically grab that info and create multiple different conclusions from everything about it for him to think about. Finding a way out of that mess could be madness at times, and doubly so deciding what he wanted to say aloud first.


He was probably just going to overheat himself at this pace. With a sigh, he would turn on spot and just drop himself onto the other side of the bench, staring up at the sky above. ‘’…you’re honestly confusing me. You say you want to talk things out, but I don’t know what you expect me to do. You just keep looking more and more like a kicked puppy as we continue doing this, and that isn’t really boosting my motivation to keep going. If you’re going to end up curling in a ball on the ground as if you were being tortured by this, I don’t know whether we can get anywhere that way.’’ He would shake his head. While yes, he could be pretty cold at times, if his intention was to cause someone to be hurt, he’d rather go the route of ‘quick death’, so to say. Being caught in a prolonged session like this? Not something that pleased him at all, and even less when his intention wasn’t even to cause more strain than there already was. He definitely wasn't in any sort of malicious mood at the moment.

Rika would see the other’s reaction to what he said, but he did not try to interrupt whatever was going on there. He wasn’t sure if the guy was getting frustrated or what with the matter, but it looked like he was trying to control a headache. No surprise there. He had given him alot to deal with after all and while he tried to get all to make sense, in the end he wasn’t sure if any of what he said was on target or even helpful. Maybe it was a bit of rambling instead and maybe he was just digging himself into a deeper grave. Sigh. He did not know for certain what the other was thinking in that moment, all he knew was that all he could do was wait and see in the end.

Staying quiet, his eyes would drift back to the ground where he watched some ants play at his feet as his own self critic tried to beat him up some more; however, he fought back trying not to let it get the upper hand. He tried to keep it all in, but in the end the internal battle would leak out and show up on him in the way he held himself and the not so welcome air he gave off. On the surface, it looked like a very bad reaction to what was happening...when in reality it was just a the end result of an internal battle wearing him thin.

Hm?

The demon was pulled out of his thoughts as he heard the other make sound and then after a sigh he was sitting down on the bench with him. While his eyes did look over at the other, he wouldn’t attempt to make any contact with the other for the moment, the actions seeming out place for this moment. Though despite that, he didn’t seem to bother that the other was next to him again. If anything, he was happy the other was even going this far out of his way considering the situation. As to what was said, the demon would actually blink a few times as he absorbed what was said.

He was confusing….because of the way he acted? Well he suppose he was pretty contradicting his action at times colliding with words creating a very confusing playing field to be on….and yet instead of running the other was questioning the matter? It took a moment for the demon to think about that his elegant eyebrows furrowing a bit as he performed the action.

“That’s...well….” he try to begin, but stumble a bit before shaking his head to clear it, a bit of frustration showing on his face as he did this, but by the time he had settled and looked back at the other his expression was a bit calmer though a bit drained.

“I suppose….I did not consider what my behavior was doing and to be honest...I find it a bit awkward to share what is happening, but maybe that is because I’ve done this alone so long that I don’t know how to share my burden...I mean...I could try, but I don’t know if it would actually unconfuse you or not…” he would pause his hand going to his head as he scratched a spot close by his horn. He was honestly unsure if this was a good or bad thing, but the other had asked and to be honest he kind of did deserve more of the bigger picture didn’t he? Even more so if the demon was serious about this path.

Sighing a bit and unsure what would come out of his mouth, he would attempt to share. Welp here goes nothing.

“What you see….on the outside... This whole "kicked puppy" thing as you put it...A very small portion is actually from what is before me….The biggest part of the whole problem is the way I process things. I...don’t have the most optimistic way of thinking and when I do mess up anything, a small voice kicks in and just attacks me for everything I do wrong...It...it hurts and makes me feel guilty and generally just miserable. I try to put that voice in its place, but...it is honestly very hard to do at times. It is a battle for me and unfortunately, I cannot hide the end toll upon myself when it is bad. The internal battle makes me seem like I having a very bad reaction to what is on the table...when in reality I am more than likely tearing myself apart….You say share, but I honestly don’t know how I can lay that someone else. I mean wouldn’t that just make it more miserable to be with me?”

He would glance up at the other at unsure if that was what he was looking for. “That is the question I ask, but have no answer for except not to do it and just keep my personal battles to myself….I figured it was less stress that way. I mean you already have a bad mood and generally a sad person to contend with…so why add onto it with more stuff that is equally unpleasant to view? These are the sort questions I struggle with along with others as try to find the least harmful path...i never considered by not sharing I was doing more damage than anything else. As for what I expect of you....I kind of do better when someone holds me and just let me work through it, but I know that not all do the same thing. So it's hard to set up expectations at this point for what I need you to do. I mean...I know the end result of what I would like, but if we can ever get there I do not know….and its not like I know you well enough to start requesting certain things be done...”  

No, thankfully he did not have a real headache yet. And for all that was holy, he sure hoped he would not get one during this. That would only serve to make things a great deal worse. Swimming through all this was hard enough without one’s brain hurting on top of It all, and he would be severely irritated, were that to happen. Which was arguably not a good state of mind to be in for him, since it made him a bit more stingy than he needed to be. Bad idea, apparently.

That said, it would seem that this time around, Rika was the one somewhat misunderstanding the situation. Or at the very least, not thinking through what was happening thoroughly enough. So what if the upset vibe wasn’t because of him? Did that detail really matter any? At the end of the day, what remained was still the fact that the guy was hurting one way or another, regardless of what exactly was causing it. Right now, the ends kind of mattered more than the means, in his opinion at the very least. Besides, if one looked at the issue as a whole, it was all connected anyway. The demon was fighting with himself because of how the conversation went, was he not? So even if indirectly, their talk was actually the cause of the so called ‘internal suffering’, and no matter how the guy tried to put it, that was a bad reaction in its own way. Because it was definitely a reaction to ‘something’, and it was obviously not a positive one. To him, those teeny-weeny details of how it wasn’t caused by what was right ahead mattered second, at least until the big picture was assessed properly first. And when it came down to that, the result wasn’t all that different from what he had been getting at, now was it?

He would watch the other trip over his words more or less passively outside of the corner of his lips giving a slight twitch at the first response. ‘’I have no idea. But I would say that it’s still better than being confused and having completely nothing to fall on either.’’ Even if knowing a bit more doesn’t help clear out the confusion well enough, it still provides a new perspective on the matter, and could perhaps help in figuring out where to take things next. There has to be a way around the confusion, even if it may not be easy and linear. And at this point, he would say that there was pretty much no point in trying to skirt around the matter and sweep it under the rug because it may potentially not get rid of confusion. What’s been done has been done after all. All that was left was to try to balance it out somehow, and being a downer about it is not how one accomplishes that task. Though since the majority of the answers lied in Rika’s court right now, all he could really do was keep asking and hope he would get answered. Maybe things couldn’t get cleared up completely right away, but even a half-success is a step forward in a situation like this one.


For a short while he would just kind of absentmindedly gaze ahead as he thought about what the demon had said. What was he…? Ah, right. He would blink as he shifted a little, leaning his back against the bench, glancing over at the guy. ‘’My answer to that would be……..that it’s not the thing that I would even focus on.’’ No, really though. Just like the fact as to how the cause of the upset outlook was something he saw as a moot detail when looking for the immediate solution, this as well was a thing he would call a case of ‘zooming in on that one thingy instead of the whole matter for what it is’. As great as that was, explaining what he meant was not that smooth of a task. Tapping the fingers of his right hand against the bench lightly, he would frown in thought a bit. ‘’Look at it this way. You’re asking me to accept you for who you are, isn’t that right? But could I truly do that if there are still these things you choose to hide from me simply because you are stuck on believing it would make things too miserable? By doing that, aren’t you technically not showing me exactly who you ‘are’? You want to avoid putting it out on the table, but by doing that, you’re more or less forgetting the fact that even that is a part of you. It is there, yes? Which means that it would play a part in what happens even if you don’t tell it straightforwardly. Do you think it would actually be better if you convinced someone to agree to accept you but not tell them this stuff, only for it to later end up sneaking up on them by surprise? How do you think they would feel about the whole matter after that? It’s slightly contradictory to ask others to accept you as you really are while you proceed to withhold possibly important parts of what the ‘contract’ entails.’’ More or less, at least. Not the best wording he could have used there, but hopefully it would make enough sense.


Of course, ends don’t always justify the means, because there are times when the means are just straight out horrible and unacceptable. However, outside of those obvious exceptions there, the result was often what truly mattered the most. At least when addressing the issue on spot. The details can really be worked out later once a good grasp of the general situation has been achieved. At least that’s what he would say. Then again, perhaps the best bet is to look at a matter both from the inside and the outside at once. That wasn’t super easy though, so he really preferred to take the outside first, and then work his way to the inside, were it to prove to be a necessity. It didn’t always, and getting lost in the details could easily stray one from the main path into alleys with dead ends…

He would pause his explaining for a brief moment, giving a faint sigh as he raised his hands in a sort of ‘surrender’ gesture. ‘’I do admit that you are right about the working out matter though. Not that I think simple comfort and hugs are completely pointless, but I feel like I’d rather work things out by actually addressing them instead of waiting it out in silence. Sometimes two heads work better than one. Unless you can truly figure out everything only on your own, without having any alternative opinions available. Which I would think can be hard at times. So why not take the offer when you can?’’ Sure, you would probably find the answer alone too. It wasn’t impossible at all. However, it could end up taking a lot more time and extra suffering when you might be able to cut that all in half by having someone truly assist you in the puzzle-solving. Well, perhaps that was just a tick of his, but he often found it hard to stick only to patting someone on the back and not…well, interfering for the lack of a better word. ‘’Either way, I don’t think…trying to request things is necessarily that bad. I think I would rather stick to calling it ‘suggestions’ instead of that though. After all, it could very well happen that I would never even consider the thing that could really help without being asked about it. If done right, I don’t think saying that you’d like to get something specific done is a problem. As long as the person you are asking clearly has the choice to decide whether they are willing to do it. You might need to work on being less scared of receiving a ‘no’ though. It may come easier that way.’’ Yes? No? Even he didn’t know at that point….

…what he did know however, was that his mind could be spectacularly random at times, and pop up with thoughts out of nowhere. Thoughts that were kind of related to the situation, but also…very loosely, to be completely honest. He would make an odd face for a moment. ‘’This does remind me of something though….’’

Perhaps Rika was missing some of the picture. It would not be a surprise considering when he was like this all he ended up really doing is focusing on that aspect that triggered the critic to begin with and then from there go down this weird spiral that placed him in a state of deep despair that he then had to figure out how to get back out of again. Sometimes the climb was easy, but there were other times that it wasn’t so ease and the demon found himself sliding backwards more than moving further.

This particular case was caught somewhere in the middle. He struggled to pull himself out of the hole alright, but maybe it was because the other wasn’t baring fangs at him immediately that the struggle got a bit better with time. It was hard to say honestly considering he was still being poked about a personal subject that made him squirm a bit and often times shut up, but for some reason he found it somewhat easy to speak to this guy. It was weird considering the type of person this one was seem to be the last to person, one like himself should be around, but here he was trying to talk about a topic that he really had no words to explain clearly.

To the first response back, the demon would glance up at the other watching him with a thoughtful glance for a moment before looking back at the ground again. “Perhaps, but wouldn’t opening up just pull you down with me? Wouldn’t you get tired of hearing it?”

The demon understood that everyone had different levels of strength, but he had to wonder if he did open in these moments...wouldn’t the receiving end just get frustrated because it would feel like a repeat of the same thing over and over again….even if the situation was different each time?

Before the demon could get himself wrapped up in a worry session over that issue, the other made a sound that caused him to blink as his ear twitched turning slightly in the direction of the sound of the other’s voice as his eyes drifted over to the other when he moved and then shortly after began to speak.

“Hm?” Rika would respond in soft tones as the other stated that perhaps he should not worry about those questions that bothered him? Then what should he focus….oooh. Now that was something he did not consider. The demon would listen to what the other had to say about acceptance and took a moment to consider it, a frown coming across his face as he pondered the matter and actually sat up a little. It would take him a few blinks to actually respond back.

“I...never considered that before. I thought holding back would help the matter go smoother, you know. Less friction, but now that you say it...that is probably what caused some later down the road. I just never thought that it was what I did to protect the other that caused it though. I mean I am still being me….but I have to admit that it was never the full me. I think...you are the first to actually get me to realize that or even attempt to try to talk this out like this…” It was odd, but now that he thought about it no one had ever stopped to question how he behave or actually push back enough that he was actually forced to do the same and actually see the issue for what it was. Perhaps the reason he struggled so much was because unconsciously, he had been denying himself from being him. Keeping the uglier side of himself locked up to make others happy and less worried….It made sense when he really looked it and also revealed something else. The reason he actually said what he said earlier and feared being left behind. He was scared of a situation like this. One that would expose his full self and in turn ruin the situation...at least in his head it would. Yet he was exposed...and the other hadn’t headed for the hills yet so….Maybe that fear wasn’t telling the truth after all…..Maybe it was okay to just be him, flaws and all….The more he thought it about the more he wondered why he never thought to challenge this fear before to see if it was truly right.

The demon was a bit amazed at this little revelation, the expression on his face becoming contemplative for a few seconds as he stared ahead watching the lights; however, he didn’t linger long on this discovery as the other spoke, drawing his eyes and attention back to the other.

To what was said, the demon would nod at what was being said. “I suppose that is one way to view the situation...I can admit that situations can trigger these episodes….” he would begin. “Perhaps my view is a bit narrowed or maybe I am just always on top of my problems that I never considered pausing for a moment and actually stepping back to see the rest of the clockwork. I don’t...really have that skill, but I wonder if learning it might be beneficial in the end.” It would probably make these mountains a whole lot smaller, but how well he could actually master that with the way he was was uncertain. He wasn’t always the best viewing thing from the outside in when he was upset. Still the words gave him much to consider.

As for what was said next, the demon would actually give a small smile at that one. “I can see the point there..though working to face it with another is a bit more of a challenge. I do want acceptance and understand what I must do to get there, but even so….it will take a bit to perhaps get better at sharing what is on my mind with another. I am not sure….if I can always do that properly or even at all….So if you are all about solutions that may be a bit of a struggle point if you try and tackle it right then and there. I am not against the idea of trying to work together and opening up a bit, but even so...there maybe times I cannot do what you ask….What then?”

Would the other just give up on the matter and toss in the hat due to frustration since he wouldn’t be able to tackle it head on? Rika didn’t think he was being too difficult with this, but not every problem had a solution and sometimes it took more than one go at other issues to get things to work, so….

As for the next part….

“Mmm,” the demon would let out a contemplative hum as he absorbed what was heard for a bit and then leaned back against the bench, his wings shifting to make the lean more comfortable on his back while his tail unwrapping and shifting to the side away from where the other sat. Hanging off the edge a bit, the tip of the tail would wiggle a bit as the demon took a moment to think.

“I suppose when put that way then these re--err...suggestions aren’t as demanding. Even less so if it can bring a bigger picture in view,” he would say and then hearing the rest he would close his eyes a bit as he shook his head. Then reopening them, he would look over at the other with a tired, yet sheepish smile. “I think it is more than receiving a ‘no” that is the problem. I have a lot of “fear of things” that I probably need to sort out and tackle in order to get a better handle on my issues.” Yeah he could admit he needed a good amount of work, but at least this chat had helped him figure out what exactly it was that he needed to tackle to perhaps heal up and in turn move forward again. He did have the guy to thank for this discovery, but even so he didn’t have a desire to be like “okaythanksbye” and run off to do said thing immediately either. No...despite the rather bizarre way this date (was it even that anymore?) was turning out, the demon had no intention of just randomly leaving the other. He really meant it when he said he wanted to learn about the guy and perhaps in some odd twist of luck, a bit of struggle was just a part of that learning curve for them. He would honestly have to stick situation out a bit longer to find the truth of the matter in the end.  

That aside though, it would seem that while there was still much to smooth out at least for the moment, talking it out had calmed the demon a bit. He did look worn and was still very concerned with the impact this might’ve had on the other, but at least for the moment he wasn’t beating himself up about the matter as he tilted his head back and closed his eyes a bit. He would take in a quiet breathe and let it out trying to get rid of the linger tension there. He honestly….owed the other a huge apology for all this and perhaps he would’ve actually made an attempt to do so if the other hadn’t spoken first.

“Hm?” Rika would begin as he reopened his eyes and looked over at the other and then seeing the face he was making, he would tilt his head a bit curious about what the other was thinking. “Reminds you of…?”

Well yes, people had varying levels of tolerance for many things, but wasn’t automatically assuming that it was likely pointless to bring something up a little too much? So maybe some people wouldn’t be able or willing to handle it, however, there is no way for you to know who can and who can’t, now is there? If you never take a chance, you will never find those that would actually listen to you. Is that really the best kind of ending you can strive towards? He would half-shrug. ‘’Maybe? Maybe not? You know, people get tired of a lot of things. Everyone does at times, for whatever reasons they may have. But is that really what matters the most? I mean, if you just straight out assume that no one would bother to listen to you ever, aren’t you singling out those who in fact would without even giving them the chance to show or prove it? You can’t really say that nobody would be willing to go through with it when you have never tried to see how true that actually is.’’ Full on pessimism is a rather defeatist thinking, isn’t it? If people thought that way, no one would even do anything. After all, you can think that way about more or less anything. No matter what the action in question is, there will always be those who nope it. Based on that, you could try claiming that the risk isn’t worth it because what if you get flat out rejected? That would be a rather overtly negative way of looking at things though, wouldn’t it? If you want the positives, you have to be willing to put yourself out there so you can actually reach for them.

Anyway, onto other matters, which were technically in a way similar to the previous issue. ‘’I think that things can never be guaranteed to go truly smoothly. No matter how hard one tries to achieve that. In fact, too many precautions may just cause the opposite effect, and make people doubt how sincere you actually are being with them. Seek to hide things from them, and they might just think that you’re trying to lead them on somehow. That, in my opinion, may prove to be even worse than dealing with some natural turbulence here and there. I don’t think some conflict is bad. It is simply going to happen once in a while, and trying too hard to avoid it ever happening could mean completely giving up the good possibilities too. Because you can’t really do that without..completely ceasing to do a certain action.’’ You just…can’t. Sometimes trying to minimize the friction only causes it to build up under the surface where you can’t see it instead. Sure, the approach may work in scientific fields, like friction of objects in physics, but relationships don’t work on set formulas like that. Things don’t always disappear simply by not being openly addressed. They only remain hiding in the dark until they do get the chance to strike. And giving them the time to get stronger before the attack could make the whole ordeal go worse for you…’’As for me, sometimes I feel like that’s all I’m really good for.’’, he would remark, perhaps with a little bit of amusement in there somewhere. It was indeed true that this was something he ended up doing pretty often. He wasn’t entirely sure whether he liked it or not though. People tended to react to his ways of problem solving in varying ways.

Hmmm. ‘’I don’t know. That depends on whether you can learn it properly. I don’t necessarily see it as a skill that is typically learned. It’s more of a way of thinking, and it might be hard to attempt to change the way you process things by force. Everyone is naturally proficient at something else after all. So you might not be smooth at it even if you managed to figure out how to do it.’’ He really had no idea there. If one is prone to thinking a certain way, trying to purposefully alter that might not work as well as theory suggests it could. Then again, it can be worth a try if one really wants to give it a shot. Can’t lose much by making an attempt. Everyone probably has a little bit of everything in them, even though one way may be the most dominant one.

Speaking of attempts at things…well, yes, not being able to do things his way could be tough at times, and bring about a certain amount of confusion over the situation, but he didn’t think he was entirely incapable of leaving things be. It was not his first go to option, that was for sure, but he could manage to work with it to an extent when he made the effort to do so. May be tricky, but nevertheless not impossible. He would huff lightly. ‘’I can’t really say. What happens may be different in every specific situation. However, just because I prefer to do it my way, I don’t think I’m going to die if I can’t at times. It’s definitely less efficient in my book, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do, I suppose….’’ Well, life isn’t always fair..right? He would of course love to always get his way, and honestly, who wouldn’t? That’s not how it worked though, and never would. Unless you wanted to be an ass and force your ways upon everyone without mercy. Compromise can be rough to accept in situations with high tension of sorts, but sometimes it proved to be the only way to work through things without causing some nasty wounds to at least one person.

That said, he would like to say he didn’t give up easily. Yes, to say the truth, he could get frustrated with matters unbelievably easily at times, but usually he was more or less fine after taking some time to let it settle. He could have a mildly volatile temper occasionally, but that didn’t have to mean he was going to give up on something entirely. Most likely he would just need a moment to let his head clear out first. Of course, there are always things that are best left alone, but when coming face to face with those, both parties would probably end up deciding that it was best to give up on it. Assuming it was really as irreparable as that.

Regardless, he would keep more or less watching the demon calmly from his position on the bench, just kind of taking things as they went for the time being. A lot of what was happening was indeed frustrating in its own way, but it was a lot easier to not get stuck on that if he made a point of not zeroing in only on the obvious negatives in it all. There sure were many, there was no denying that, but there are always many sides to a situation, just like a cube doesn’t always land on the same thing when you toss it. He could deal with figuring out just how bad it potentially was later when he had more information to put together. ‘’I think I know what you mean. I said that because I don’t have a more appropriate summary in mind at the moment, I suppose. Regardless, I’m pretty sure everyone fears something. Can’t avoid that at all costs. Perhaps you might want to make sure you aren’t…how to put it, afraid of being afraid? I think that might help when dealing with it if you can accept that it’s normal to do that at times.’’, he’d state casually as he absentmindedly fixed up the collar of his top meanwhile. Isn’t that what often happens after all? You feel scared of something, and then you start fretting even more because you’re technically scared that your own fear will doom you no matter what. It’s like…afraidception? Was that even a word? Eh, probably not.

Moving onto…randomville though, apparently. Well, kind of. As random as it may seem at times, his mind usually had a certain reason for coming up with something. Alas, he wasn’t always sure whether those ideas were entirely appropriate for the moment. Ah well. It was what it was though. So he was odd at times. But if the guy was serious about wanting to know him better, that was one of the things he would have to acquaint himself with over time too. He would scratch the back of his neck when the other prodded him. How to even…’’I feel like this is a bit too random right now.’’, he would sigh faintly. ‘’Though maybe a short break from the extra heavy stuff isn’t the worst idea…Wait a moment.’’ This was kind of awkward, but might as well. And it would likely catch the demon off guard at least a little bit, since it probably wasn’t something that one would expect of him. However, he sure did many unexpected things here and there. Searching through his pockets for a bit, he would fish out his phone and proceed to seemingly search for something on it as he frowned at the screen a little. Yeah, totally not a little strange, right? ‘’Hmmm….’’, he would eventually find whatever he was looking for though, and then dig around his things a bit more to bring up a pair of headphones before looking back at Rika once he plugged them in. ‘’In any case, this whole situation reminded me of something I’ve heard before, sort of. If you really care to know what I mean, feel free to listen to this.’’ If the guy agreed to this oddness, he would borrow his phone to him for the moment. It would seem he had set something up there, so all the demon would really have to do was press ‘play’ and listen to whatever it was….would he take it?

“I suppose so….” The demon would rub his arm a bit as he looked out at the spirits drifting over the cliff edge. When one sat back and actually viewed the big picture it was true that his action, worries, and thoughts did the one thing that made him miserable. It blocked out people and made it hard for them to come in. He had always thought that the problem rested with a person just being unable to handle him, but maybe the real issue was actually him. After all, if he was putting up gates or blocking out chances by putting up assumptions before anything could happen, then it was no wonder not too many could actually handle him. It was almost trying to get to someone in an armored tank. Without the right ammo, one could never hope to reach him….and for the most part that was how it was. People would drift into his life and then quickly out again some repulsed by him being him. He while he was not always negative, it did not change the fact that maybe that is what he put out the more of rather than the positive and perhaps that is why people didn’t exactly attempt to bother with him. Perhaps they figured he was trouble or perhaps just not looking for companionship in general. Maybe he had been so stuck on trying not to get hurt that he indeed trapped himself in a cage that warded people away to accomplish that goal. Ironic really, considering he had searched for the problem, but the whole time it was him. Well not fully him, but the biggest part did rest on him. Yeah….he needed to definitely work on undoing that a bit.

Funny as soon as he thought that, they would roll into the other topic which was pretty much an extension of what came before. To what was said the demon would nod a bit in turn. “I guess so...From my end it seemed like I wasn’t trying to avoid the matter. I think fooled myself into believing if I sat through the conflict I wasn’t running when in reality some part of me was indeed doing just that.” Conflict was indeed a natural part of life and to try to avoid and make everything perfect was like trying to avoid your shadow and make it be something it was not all. It was impossible to do really...and yet he had tried to do that unconsciously due to all his hang ups.  How strange to not see that until now.

The demon would ponder this for a bit before a small smile crossed his face and a light snort of amusement would escape his strained body. “Well if you are good for causing friction then I am very good for causing confusion and over complicating a matter when it doesn’t need to be.” More often than not the negative things in front of him grew into beasts due to his negative perception on things going wrong.   If he could find a way to stop the thoughts and just breathe, then the mountains created would become smaller and more manageable...at least in theory it would. It was no telling what would happen in reality after all or even a guarantee he could turn things around like that. Even so he had to try something to get to the bottom of it all and in turn be able to move forward again. He couldn’t grow  like this. Couldn’t live like this. Something needed to change.

On that note, it would seem the pair would fall into a conversation about a potentially helpful tool to the matter: stepping back and taking in all of the picture rather than just some random piece of it. Now on paper this technique was actually quite useful. It help calm the nerves and actually helped view the problem for what it was without all the hangs up that occurred when someone was in the actual problem...deeply and literally. Kind of like the way he was until Sharaku began speaking on the matters and giving him a different perspective on the matter and in turn stopping his Doom from completely ruining his or the other’s day for now at least. It was no telling what would happen from here on out, but the demon prayed that it was better than what had happened and what was happening now. Anyway….

“Maybe so. Maybe I can’t learn it fully due to it simply not fitting my ways; however, I still think I’ll try and learn something from it. And prehaps even if it is a little that I learn, maybe it will be alright….considering that is perhaps someone else’s forte and in turn they can balance me out. Help pull me back in a sense...” Even if he couldn’t excel there or even master the skill, he still wanted to at least attempt to take away things from this aspect he lacked. Even if he managed to step back just a little that would be something and maybe the only step he really needed to take even more so if there was someone at his side with said skill. After all, no one could master everything. There were holes in the way people behaved for a reason, no? Was it not so that someone else could help out and compliment them? After all if they were perfect….then he didn’t think there would be a need for relationships or seeking out others for help or anything else for that matter. Being perfect at everything would make that concept moot and the world a lot more bland and boring to be honest.

Though speaking on lacking and differences, it would seem the next topic was one that went surprisingly well despite the pair having two vastly different outlooks on the same matter. Rika was more in the boat of quietly fighting a battle with some there that could hold him while he went through the motions and came to the end mainly on his own. Sharaku on, the other hand, was more about laying the issue on the table and facing it head on next to another to find a solutions. He was more passive about certain things and Sharaku more active. Did this mean that Rika shut the door on the other’s ways? No. No not at all. He was actually okay with the difference here because unlike the other he saw this matter a bit differently.

“Hmm...well. It is true the situations do determine how one has to react just as it is true that we won’t die from bending a bit here and there to different ways. It may seem inefficient to you, but I think….I think sometimes it is needed. Like... being passive and quiet doesn’t work all the time and sometimes action and dealing with it head on is better, but at other times I think a quieter way is needed. It’s hard to say which is right and for what situation since situations are ever changing, but I think maybe the best way to work this out is to have a good balance between our approaches and maybe try to look at as just a different way to tackle the same problem. Who knows maybe something new could be discovered even from the quiet times.” Strange as it sounded, it was true that lessons and discoveries came in odd forms. Some did come from work, but others came from time, patience, and sometimes a bit of quietness. Sure the quieter route was slower, but did it really matter? Solving issues couldn’t always be done in efficient or quick ways after all. If that was the case, life might be easier yes, but at the same maybe less meaningful since some of the deeper stuff might get left behind in such a system.

That strange line of thinking aside though, the matter would eventually come back to something a bit more straightforward. Well as straightforward as figuring out how to tackle an issue such as fear was going to get that is.

The demon didn’t seem to mind being watched his eyes occasionally looking up into those intense hazel eyes as they continued to talk.

“Hmmm…” Rika would think a bit on what he just heard as his hand went to rub at his ear lobe being careful of the jewelry there. “Afraid of being afraid….I can’t say if that is the true issue. I’d have to really examine that and in turn get back to you on the matter or if maybe a solution has been found...perhaps I’d take that up with my doctor see what comes out of it.” Was he afraid of being afraid? Or was he just afraid of certain types of things and scenarios? It was hard to say without deeper analyzing. Analyzing he would need to do later since right now he didn’t have the space needed to go into that sort of thinking.

Even less so when he was a bit distracted at the odd way the other was behaving. What was he up too and what was this thing that was so random. The demon was very curious, his behavior shifting a bit to somewhat similar to a curious animal or child though not overly so. Just enough that his head would tilt first one and then the other before he blinked as he watched the other pull out his phone and then after fiddling with it a bit got some headphones? Okay now the demon was a bit preplexed. Yes he understood the other wanted to break up the tension and such, something he honestly had no qualm about, but how was whatever was on his phone going to solve that? And now he wanted him to take said phone?

Rika would look at the phone and headphones being offered for a moment his expression a bit confused as he blinked a bit and then looking up at the other raised an eyebrow. He would hesitate for only a few seconds though for eventually his eyes were back on the phone as he shifted a bit and moved to take the items. He would sit the phone in his lap for a bit as he fought a bit with the ear buds. He was use to clip ons, but meh this would do. All it took was a little adjusting of his ears to hold them at the right angle is all. Okay earbuds in. Now this phone..He would look at the screen taking note that all he had to do was push play. Well that was good at least he didn’t have to wonder about what to do with it next. Okay so...play.

He would click the button and then would become still for a moment to listen. It started off interesting enough, but then as it shifted into rock the demon would blink a bit as he stared ahead not really expecting that and then after recovering from that, he would actually do something even more stranger than what Sharaku did. He would actually start to grin. That right he was grinning and somewhat getting into the music it would seem since he was kind of bobbing his head along with the music as he listened and if one paid close attention to his freehand the thumb seemed to twitch as if he was strumming a guitar or something it was hard to say honestly, but it was what it was.

The whole while the music played Rika seemed to be a completely different person for a bit and actually more like the demon Sharaku had first encountered rather than the mess he just recently got over. It was strange, but perhaps the distraction let him just let go of worries and allowed him to just be him.

It was hard to say what changed the mood, but it could be said that by the time the song ended, the demon had perked up a bit and seemed be in a better mode than before as he removed the earbuds and held the phone back out to the other.

“I suppose the song does relate to the matter,” he would say with a small lopsided smile on his face as he watched the other. “Though as pretty and elegant as you are I wouldn’t expect rock music to be a choice for you.You look more like a classical music sort," he would say, his tones slightly playful despite the fact that exhaustion hung on him. Well if anything he at least seemed happier now so yay?